Wednesday, June 08, 2005

Swallowing Conch

"Does everyone remember me name?"
"Right, Mon. And does everyone know what dis is?"
"Yeah mon, but do ya know da conch's name?"

The air is rich with the silence of the stupid.

"De conch be nem'd Andy, mon. Now Andy 'ere has t'ree natural preditors. Da first natural preditor be dah sea turtle, who break da shell and suck out da conch. Also, da crab, who trick da conch by flippin' ees shell and den waitin' for da conch to come out an' see what up. Den da crab hold Andy wit one claw and snap ees body in half wit da other claw. De t'ird natural preditor of Andy ees... anyone?"
Various stupid tourist interjections, all of which are wrong.
"No Man, it be Alex. I be a serial conch killer."
With that, Alex proceeds to pull the conch from his shell and slice off his weener. No, really. The conch has a long black johnson, and Alex cuts it off and waves it around for us to see.
"First we cut off da johnson."
"Because after that, he doesn't really care if he lives or dies."
Everyone turns to look at my husband, who has just blurted out one of his famous inappropriate comments.
"Hey Mon, dat be funny. You mind if I use dat de next time?"
"Sure."( My husband loves attention.)
Alex skins Andy and leaves his beady eyes attached and wandering on the counter. The girl behind me throws up.
"Do we have any newlyweds 'ere t'day?"
Two very stupid couples raise their hand.
"Ah, congratulations, mon. Come up 'ere so I can shake your hands!"
Stupid couples make their way to the front of the group while Alex lops off two more Andy parts. One is fleshy, like meat, the other long and gooey, like a gummy worm. He cuts them in four pieces. The stupid brides get the meaty stuff, the grooms get the worm.
"Ladies, on de count of t'ree, me want you to chew and swallow. Men on de count of t'ree, me want you to swallow. Eve'ybody help now, one, two.."
Stupid couples blindly swallow what could have been just about any part of a previously fully living animal.
"Now, what I give you men is de equivalent of four of d'ose lit'l blue pills. To da ladies, I give de' fifth blue pill. You have t'ree hours before it kicks in. Enjoy dee cruise, Mon."
The rest of us were treated to the rest of Andy, none of which contains a natural aphrodisiac (much to my disappointment, as I love all the hot monkey sex I can get.) Disappointingly, conch tastes like chicken. But don't tell the poor bleeding heart, vomiting chick behind me. She's still crying because Andy is in my tummy, but his eyes are on the counter, looking at her.