I've Got a Lover-ly Bunch of Coconuts
I've written about my son a bit recently. I've bragged about his passion for writing, and as pantergirl over at The Dog's Breakfast remarked, his committment to exercising his vocabulary. What I haven't told you about my son is that he suffers from what I like to call an apocalyptic personality disorder. Maybe it's my fault for raising him in a fundamentalist environment for the first six years of his life, but the damage is done now - no turning back. For T-man, there is a cataclysmic event on the horizon every day. When Hollywood turns out their latest, "OH-MY-GOD-WE'RE-ALL-GONNA-DIE" flick, I leap for the remote before my son tunes in to the preview. One hint of impending doom and he hyperfocuses for days... two hours in a theater with will result in sleepless nights and endless questions. I know when you all heard about the tsunami your first thoughts were shock and despair. I'm sorry to say, but my first thoughts were, "Oh my GOD I hope Ty doesn't hear about this." So that's the background for my little narrative.
Mike (my husband) and I were enjoying an after-dinner smoke last night, when my son walks into the office.
My Son: I think I have cancer.
Me: You don't have cancer.
My Son: Yes, I think I have cancer. (raises pantleg to his knees)
Me: You DON'T have cancer.
My Son: I have cancer because my teacher said that when you get a bruise and it's oddly shaped and it doesn't hurt when you hit it (demonstrates) then it's cancer.
Me: You fell off your skateboard and it hit your shin yesterday. Skateboarding does not cause cancer. You don't have cancer.
My Son: I do have cancer. See? (demonstrates again) Okay, that one kind of hurt.
Me: Tyler, you don't get cancer from skateboarding.
My Son: You can get cancer from eating bad food.
Me. Sigh... you don't have cancer.
My Son: You can get cancer from second-hand smoke (raises eyebrows the way Officer D.A.R.E. taught him to do every time I light a cigarette, regardless of the fact that my only smoking area is my office, and my office is in the feckin' garage off the house.)
Me: Leukemia is a type of cancer that manifests itself in bruises. One of the first signs of leukemia for some is the sudden appearance of unexplanable bruises on different body areas. You cannot get leukemia from second-hand smoke.
My Son: How do you get leukemia?
Me: It is considered a genetic defect, for the most part.
My Son: Can you catch it from someone else?
Me: No. Leukemia is not a communicable disease.
My Son: What is a communicable disease?
Me: It's a disease you can catch from someone else who has the disease.
My Husband: Like Leprosy.
Me: (glares at husband... HARD AND MEAN)
My Son: What's leprosy?
My Husband: It's a disease that makes your fingers rot until they fall off your hand. Then your nose rots and it falls off your face... then your ears go next, and before you know it, you're just a stump. THEN you die.
My Son: Oh my GOD! There's this kid in my class and he only has four fingers and I think he has leprosy! Can I catch it?
Me: OH MY GOD! YOU DO NOT HAVE CANCER AND THE KID IN YOUR CLASS DOES NOT HAVE LEPROSY. LEPROSY HAS BEEN ERADICATED!!!!!!!!
My Son: (now addressing only my husband) How do you get leprosy?
My Husband: From touching yourself.
Me: (hissing at husband) I swear to God if you don't stop...
My Son: (interrupting) Oh my God? Are you serious?
Me: NO HE IS NOT SERIOUS! YOU CANNOT GET LEPROSY FROM PLAYING WITH YOURSELF. YOU CAN PLAY WITH YOURSELF ALL DAY AND NOTHING ON YOUR BODY WILL ROT OR FALL AWAY. JUST ASK YOUR STEPDAD IF I'M RIGHT!!!!!
My Son: Um, why would I ask... what?
Me: Never mind, honey. Look, you can't get leprosy. It's an innactive disease, like the Black Plague.
My Son: What's the Black Plague?
Me: (under my breath) fuck
My Husband: The Black Plague...
Me: (interrupting my husband) You are NOT helping! (to my son) It's another dead disease, honey. People caught it and they died and then we figured out what caused it and made it go away.
My Son: Can you catch anything from playing with yourself?
Me: Only guilt, sweetie... only guilt.
My Son: Huh?
Me: Nevermind, baby. Um, Mommy needs to go in the house and fold some clothes now.
My Son: Okay... I'll go WITH you!
Me: Okay... OR, you could sit here in my chair and ask your step-dad what else happens when you play with yourself.
My Son: (gleefully sitting) Okay!
So my house is filled with lunatics... but what a lover-ly bunch of nuts they are.
Mike (my husband) and I were enjoying an after-dinner smoke last night, when my son walks into the office.
My Son: I think I have cancer.
Me: You don't have cancer.
My Son: Yes, I think I have cancer. (raises pantleg to his knees)
Me: You DON'T have cancer.
My Son: I have cancer because my teacher said that when you get a bruise and it's oddly shaped and it doesn't hurt when you hit it (demonstrates) then it's cancer.
Me: You fell off your skateboard and it hit your shin yesterday. Skateboarding does not cause cancer. You don't have cancer.
My Son: I do have cancer. See? (demonstrates again) Okay, that one kind of hurt.
Me: Tyler, you don't get cancer from skateboarding.
My Son: You can get cancer from eating bad food.
Me. Sigh... you don't have cancer.
My Son: You can get cancer from second-hand smoke (raises eyebrows the way Officer D.A.R.E. taught him to do every time I light a cigarette, regardless of the fact that my only smoking area is my office, and my office is in the feckin' garage off the house.)
Me: Leukemia is a type of cancer that manifests itself in bruises. One of the first signs of leukemia for some is the sudden appearance of unexplanable bruises on different body areas. You cannot get leukemia from second-hand smoke.
My Son: How do you get leukemia?
Me: It is considered a genetic defect, for the most part.
My Son: Can you catch it from someone else?
Me: No. Leukemia is not a communicable disease.
My Son: What is a communicable disease?
Me: It's a disease you can catch from someone else who has the disease.
My Husband: Like Leprosy.
Me: (glares at husband... HARD AND MEAN)
My Son: What's leprosy?
My Husband: It's a disease that makes your fingers rot until they fall off your hand. Then your nose rots and it falls off your face... then your ears go next, and before you know it, you're just a stump. THEN you die.
My Son: Oh my GOD! There's this kid in my class and he only has four fingers and I think he has leprosy! Can I catch it?
Me: OH MY GOD! YOU DO NOT HAVE CANCER AND THE KID IN YOUR CLASS DOES NOT HAVE LEPROSY. LEPROSY HAS BEEN ERADICATED!!!!!!!!
My Son: (now addressing only my husband) How do you get leprosy?
My Husband: From touching yourself.
Me: (hissing at husband) I swear to God if you don't stop...
My Son: (interrupting) Oh my God? Are you serious?
Me: NO HE IS NOT SERIOUS! YOU CANNOT GET LEPROSY FROM PLAYING WITH YOURSELF. YOU CAN PLAY WITH YOURSELF ALL DAY AND NOTHING ON YOUR BODY WILL ROT OR FALL AWAY. JUST ASK YOUR STEPDAD IF I'M RIGHT!!!!!
My Son: Um, why would I ask... what?
Me: Never mind, honey. Look, you can't get leprosy. It's an innactive disease, like the Black Plague.
My Son: What's the Black Plague?
Me: (under my breath) fuck
My Husband: The Black Plague...
Me: (interrupting my husband) You are NOT helping! (to my son) It's another dead disease, honey. People caught it and they died and then we figured out what caused it and made it go away.
My Son: Can you catch anything from playing with yourself?
Me: Only guilt, sweetie... only guilt.
My Son: Huh?
Me: Nevermind, baby. Um, Mommy needs to go in the house and fold some clothes now.
My Son: Okay... I'll go WITH you!
Me: Okay... OR, you could sit here in my chair and ask your step-dad what else happens when you play with yourself.
My Son: (gleefully sitting) Okay!
So my house is filled with lunatics... but what a lover-ly bunch of nuts they are.
posted by Robin at 9:18 PM
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