Dear Rude-y

I've decided that I want to write an advice column.
Problem #1: I am a terrific smart-ass
Problem #2: Because of problem #1, no one (sane) asks me for advice.

So I've taken charge of Prudie's column (Dear Prudence, daughter of Ann Landers.)

Here's my first response:

Prudie,
For the last three months my husband and I have been attending a church we both like. Recently we requested (via a "guest form") to receive information about possibly becoming members. Since then, we have had several church members visit our home to talk with us and answer our questions. All of this has been wonderful, but there has been a problem. One member has taken the role of "meet and greet" to another level. He comes to our house, unannounced, quite frequently, even if we have other visitors. He admitted to us he rides by our home to see if there are any vehicles in our driveway (he thought this was funny for some reason), and on Sundays, he waits for us at the sanctuary doors to see if we attend so he can sit with us during service. He lets us know when he has "not seen us for a week" and is constantly asking us when we will join the church. My husband and I both feel he is doing this all on his own and it is not something the church advises its members to do. This is a wonderful church. It will be a wonderful foundation of faith for our son and will enrich our own faith. This overzealous member is about 30 years our senior (we are both in our early 30s) and has been a member of this church for many years. I've been taught to respect elders, so how do I politely but firmly tell him we don't appreciate being "checked up on" and to back off? His behavior is driving us away, not making us feel welcome.

--Feeling Hassled

Dear Hassled,

What, are you fucking kidding me? I'm not sure which shocks me more, the fact that you think you've found the perfect church, or that you're surprised some senior citizen is hassling you whilts gleefully counting the potential souls he'll bring into the Lord's fold. Listen, I can tell you don't want to be talked out of this whole church-membership thing, so let me cut to the chase. You aren't asking Rude-y how to handle this fuddy-duddy... you are asking Rude-y if it's okay to tell his minister. You want permission to start stirring up trouble in your new church. You know the old saying, "If the church is perfect, it's because you aren't there?" Well, it applies to you, dear reader. So with my blessing, go ahead and rat on the old fart.

Rude-y, Bluntly

So, do you think I have a shot at getting a gig here?