Thursday, February 03, 2005

An Open Letter to My Classmates

You know who you are...
...the little pixie-cut in the backrow with the perfect teeth and non-stop giggle...
...the size "0" bleach-blonde with tight white pants and a propensity for cleavage revealing attire...
...the guy who probably beats his girlfriend...
...the septagenarian who thinks every answer begins with, "The Lord says..."

I know you dislike me for myriad reasons, but I think you should know I'm not a teacher's pet, nor am I a suck-up. I'm a non-traditional student getting a second shot at an education. That being said...

...I will continue to arrive 15 minutes early for class because it takes me that long to wiggle my ass into those goddamn desks built for middle-schoolers

...I will continue to sit front and center because my eye sight sucks and my hearing ain't too good these days.

...I will continue to have all the answers - yes, you little fucks, it took me almost twenty years to return to school and I'm not going to screw it up again.

...I will continue writing papers so good that the professor chooses them to read aloud each week. I'm not going to dumb it down to give you your fifteen minutes.

...I don't "blow the curve"... I fucking study my ass off. Try it sometime.

...I don't do, " know..." "What-EVRRRRRRRRRRR" or "Get with me!"

...No, I will not be in your study group, or partner with you on this assignment. If I'm going to do all the work, I'm going to take all the credit...and you and I both know that I'll end up doing all the work because I am a control freak and you are pulling a C minus average, which is why you asked me to pair up with you in the first place.

...The commons area is not Romper-Fucking-Room. It's like the library, but for smokers. So could you please shut the fuck up about "Like, oh my god... blah blah blah" now?

...No you may not borrow a (pencil, quarter, dollar, sheet of paper, notes from the classes you missed, cigarette, two-dollars, my textbook, etc...) It's called a "budget." Try it. Don't parade your Louis if you can't put anything in it.

In short - I'm not stupid, and I'm sorry you think community college would be easier if it weren't for annoying, studious people like me. I'll be gone in ten months and you can have your curve back. In the meantime, shut your mouth, open your book, and try learning something. You all annoy the hell out of me.

The 36yr old "non-traditional" student with a big brain and a big axe to grind.