Sunday, April 17, 2005

Two Posts in One Day...What the Hell is This, You Say?

You betcha - know this: When I post twice in one day, you know I'm getting ready to rant. You have been warned.

Other possible titles for this rant include:
Where Have All the Good Men Gone? They're minding their own business, that's where they've gone.
I Know Why the Caged Samaritan Cowers.
My Larry David Moment

Yesterday I pissed my son off. I had the unmitigated gall to say, "no" to him. He lovingly referred to me as the "mother of the year." I think he meant 'mother' in the 'she who gave birth to me fashion' but it's quite possible he meant it as an adjective. At any rate, in my effort to punish him in a truly meaningful way, I used guilt. Part of that guilt was doing really nice things for him, then rubbing his comment in his face. Hey - don't knock it 'til you've tried it. Today he approached me while I was doing my homework and asked me to drive him to the skate park. On the way to the skate park he informed me that he needed me to make a pit stop at the skateboard shop. This pit stop, of course, takes me five miles past the skate park. But I'm mother of the year, so I do it with glee.

While I'm waiting in the parking lot, I hear the strangest noise. I recall hearing it only after the fact. My son emerging from the skateboard shop directs my attention to a three-car pile up that happened while I was waiting. I didn't witness it because my nose was buried in a book, but I see that one of the drivers is an elderly man. He's standing in the middle of the street looking bewildered. I shove my son in the car and cross two lanes of traffic to see if I can be of assistance.

The Good Samaritan Bug: Are you alright?
Elderly Driver: Policia
TGSB: Habla ingles?
ED: No. Por favor, blah blah blah policia. *hands me his cell phone*

I call 911 and report the accident in detail. She transfers me to the police and I again describe the accident in detail. No I didn't witness it. Yes traffic is backing up. No, I don't think anyone is seriously injured. Yes, airbags were deployed. Location, make & model of vehicles. I hang up and hand the phone back to the elderly driver.

TGSB: Is there anyone else I can call for you? Familia?
ED: Wrecking Company.
TGSB: Insurance? Tow truck? Senor, policia estare' aqui momento. (hey, my Spanish sucks.)
ED: Morrisons!
Nurse Ratchet: Sir, is this woman bothering you?
ED: Morrisons!!!
NR: Sir, are you alright? I'm a nurse. Actually, I rent from you. I'm your renter and I'm a nurse.
ED: You my nurse?
NR: You shouldn't be bothering this man. He should be sitting down!

Totally baffled, I hand her the cell phone.

TGSB: He asked me to call the police and I did. He's asking for the tow truck, but I don't have the number.
NR: We don't need to be calling insurance companies. This man is clearly hurt. Don't you know anything?

Now, I can't figure out where exactly I went wrong, but I clearly have done all I can do. I start to leave the scene when a truck pulls up beside me.

Seemingly Good Samaritan #2: Has anyone sustained bodily injury?
TGSB: I don't think so. I mean, there is a nurse here now, so I think it's under control.
SGS2: Well, I'm an EMT, and I'm fully equipped to assist, but hey, you've got a nurse on the scene, so what do I know?
TGSB: Um, well that's great! I just meant that there's no blood or anything and I don't really know if people are hurt, but the nurse seems to be in control now...
SGS2 (interrupting): I'm a nurse too, you know! *speeds off in a huff*

And so I'm standing in the middle of four lanes of traffic in my pajama pants and t-shirt, trying to figure out exactly where I went wrong. By trying to raise my son up in the way he should go, I'm put in the middle of an accident, wearing my pajamas. By trying to be the Good Samaritan, I was yelled at because I don't know the phone number to Morrison Towing, because I'm not a nurse, and because I don't assume that everyone who stops is an EMT.

Fuck this good samaritan bullshit. From now on, I'm minding my own goddamn business.