Feverish Review of the Billboard Music Awards

This typifies everything that is wrong with America:



Toby, it's bad enough that you sucked eggs tonight at the Billboard Music Awards. I mean, now everyone is going to be talking about YOUR bad performance and completely gloss over that travesety that is Ashley Simpson... but dude, the patriotic earpiece has got to go. You cannot stick a mechanical flag in your ear and expect me to take you seriously.

Speaking of the Billboard Music Awards...


Kanye, wtf were you trying to say? Honestly man, if you can't form a coherent thought, stick with, "George Bush doesn't like black people." At least that made me laugh.




Carrie, you can still sing your ass off, but honey, work on that stage presence, mkay?




R. Kelly, stop poking your johnson into minors and start writing gospel tunes. Your Katrina Aid song blew my mind. No, not the writing -- your lyrics suck, but the melody and the gospel choir in the background were sublime. Now about the guitar... please read my comment to Toby Keith.





LL -- dude, you're worthless when you're not showing your abs. Shirt off next time you host, mkay?




Mariah, three words: take.them.out. Girl, you're going to fall over and break your damned nose. There IS such a thing as "too big" and you have reached it.




Gwen, please stop trying to channel Madonna. Oh, and what the fuck was on your head?



See, this is what happens when FOX cancels Bones and House, and forces me to watch their special programming while I'm hopped up on cold medicine.

Like I needed a reason to be a bitch. Sheesh.

This is Funky, and that is all.