Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Don't Drive Angry

It's not like I left work in a good mood or anything. For starters, CadiBug calls me an hour before I'm off to tell me that I have to stop at Wal*Mart for some supplies she suddenly remembered she needs for a very important project due on Friday. I HATE Hell*Mart with a passion, so now I'm getting cranky. Then my $70 (on sale) shoes break a strap on my way to the car. How much more of a bad mood can I be in?

I'm sitting at the intersection and I can already see there's going to be a problem. Some rather eager commuters decided that instead of stopping for the red light, they'd just take up that silly extra room in the intersection... in the lane I need to be in... because I have the green arrow and the guy behind me is honking his horn, telling me to go where I cannot possibly go.

So, bad mood and all, I just go. That's when it happened.

This woman in a beat-up ol' car refuses to let me in my lane. Further, she leans out her window and says something which culminates with "stupid bitch."

I was stunned. Me? She's calling me a stupid bitch? She's the eager beaver taking up residence in the intersection, but I'm the stupid bitch?

I started mulling over her words... stupid bitch. And I feel that sensation in the pit of my stomach... I'm 13 again, and the boys are all watching me dive into the pool during PE because I have developed breast and pubic hairs, but they're not looking at me, they're laughing at me. Then I'm 8 again, and I've spilled milk on my pants midway through lunch, and I want my mommy.

But wait. She says, "bitch" like it's a bad thing. And "stupid?" Shit, I'm not stupid (furthermore, I'm not the one eating Big Mac in the intersection either.)

And I'm thinking all these things while being forced to drive behind her all the way through town.

That's when it happened.

That's when I stopped being so fucking passive.

That's when I decided that it's time for people to stop shitting on me.

So I stalked her. Since I was forced to follow her, I followed her good.

She changed lanes, I changed lanes. I stayed right on her bumper. The more I followed her out of town, the bigger my grin grew.

Then I took out my camera and snapped a picture of her license plate while stopped at a red light. Here's where she gets really nervous. She starts looking back at me in her mirror, and she picks up her cell phone.

She turns off the main road.

I follow her.

She winds around the lake.

I wind around the lake.

She speeds up, I speed up. She slows down. I slow down.

Then I got bored and let her off the hook. Because really, I've got better things to do than follow some stupid bitch through town. I've got to go to Hell*Mart and get some glue.

Anyhow, to the owner of this vehicle:

Think twice before you call someone a stupid bitch for trying in interrupt your chewing exercises. I'm just under a lot of stress, and clearly looking for some amusement. However, there are a lot of people who might do more than follow you through town for shits and giggles.

Yes, I consider it a public service. I may have saved her life. Or, maybe I just felt like being a stupid bitch. Who knows?

This is Funky, and that is all.