Monday, February 27, 2006

Me-Me-Monday #59 -- I Just Keeping Finding Those Same 50 lbs

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Last week covered #58 and my life-long struggle to lose weight AND keep it off.
58. Over the course of my life I've lost the same 50lbs.

This week continues my new journey at #59:
59. I keep finding them.

I'm pretty good at dieting. As my husband says, once I set my mind to doing something, I really do it 100%. But the truth of the matter is, once I lose that 50lbs, I find them again. Usually they come back with at least 10 or 20 of their friends. This last journey brought an additional 26 or so friends. As it stands, at the time I wrote number 58, I had about 76lbs to lose in order to reach a goal weight that I think is not only reasonable, but one I've never managed to reach in the past.

So I'm looking at that statement my hubs made this morning; once I set my mind to something, I do it.

So if I do it -- and then I don't do it -- what does my mind become "set" on that causes me to fall off the wagon and into a slice of apple pie?

There are a few things I've been able to identify -- those stumbling blocks that tip the wagon:

(1) I'm a stress eater.
The last time I did a truly successful stint was about three years ago with WW. I lost a lot of weight, going from a size 14-16 to a size 6-8. I looked healthy and I felt fabulous. But I fell off the wagon and ate my way back up the ladder. I looked at the timing of that event, and I remember going through an ordeal with my mother that completely threw me into a fit of despair. Is there something there? I'm not sure, but I do know that when I get angry or feel hurt, I immediately walk to the pantry and consciously put something evil into my mouth.

(2) I'm really afraid of being thin.
That's completely true. Fat is a barrier. Though I do not like the way I view myself when I'm overweight, and I certainly don't like the way I assume the world views me, there is a certain comfort in being undesireable. I KNOW that's weird, okay? But if I'm walking to my car after work, and it's dark... and someone drives by slowly... this voice in my head says, "You're fat, he's not interested."
This would make more sense if I had actually BEEN abused or attacked or some such thing. As it stands, other than two fairly benign occurances, I've never been either of those things. So where this fear and feeling of weakness comes from is anyone's guess.

(3) Inside me lives a fat girl.
When you're been overweight for most of your life, you don't know what it's LIKE to be thin. You have the psyche of a fat girl battling you every step of the way.

I imagine any one of those three things may be the reason why I keep finding that weight I keep losing. So this time, I'm facing the trio of demons -- and I'm facing them 100%. I WILL admit my fears, my weaknesses, and with much crying and humbling of my ego.

Because I turn 37 tomorrow. And that only gives me three more years to become a hot MILF.

This is Funky, and that is all.