Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Tomorrow's Today

Yesterday was a rough day, as I stated...well... yesterday. I can't recall feeling so anxiety-ridden in so long, but it reminded me a lot of the way I felt before the big blow up with CadiBug. But nothing was that bad. In fact, nothing at all was bad. I just felt bad.

And I've learned that when I go into full-on bitch mode, the best thing I can do is to remove myself from the general population. I remember a counselor telling me that kids will blow up at the parent they feel the safest with. Kids know that the people who love them the most will never, ever turn away from them.

I'm here to tell you that it's not just kids who behave this way.

And I've learned that when I'm in full-on bitch mode, I take it out on the people I love the most in this world.

And I've finally learned that temporarily removing myself mentally and emotionally (if not physically) is the best gift I can give to those who love me.

But yesterday I realized that there's more to it than just coping.

You see, I have a good life. I'm abundantly blessed. I'm married to my best friend. My kids are bright and creative and healthy. I'm healthy. And at times I'm pretty certain I have a fair amount of intelligence behind these big brown eyes. So there's really no reason to go full-on with the bitchy.

And I've made some decision about that. I've made some decisions about me.

I've dawned to the realization that it doesn't matter what impression I leave on people. What really matters is the perception I have regarding me.

Full-on bitch mode is nothing more than stress over trying to be perfect.

Because I'm not, you see. So it's an unattainable goal.

But that doesn't mean I'm not valuable. That doesn't mean I don't have opportunities to be someone's angel, someone's therapist, someone's shoulder, someone's savior, someone's friend, someone's ride to school, and permission-note-signer extraordinaire.

And it's the realization that I'm so much more than just what I feel that brings me to a place of humility that has nothing to do with shame.

I was right. There's always a tomorrow. And yesterday's tomorrow taught me a very important lesson about tomorrow's today.

This is Funky, and that is all.