Monday, January 03, 2005

Obligatory 101 Things About Me

1. I'm Sicilian on my father's side, German on my mother's.
2. I get my sense of humor from my father.
3. I don't know my father at all.
4. He bolted before I was born.
5. I lost my virginity at 17 because I was afraid of breaking my Chastity Pledge.
6. It would be another 17 years before I actually made love.
7. I was raised in Indiana by my mother and step-father.
8. I'm an Army brat.
9. I would have been a brat even if my mother hadn't rebounded with a military man.
10. I have a sister.
11. She's always been a size 3.
12. I've always been a size "plump."
13. I secretly hate my sister.
14. I broke her Shawn Cassidy album against the wall because she stole my grape Bubbliscious.
15. I married my first husband when I was 21.
16. 21 year old girls are not good decision makers.
17. I divorced my first husband at 32.
18. I married my current husband at 34.
19. 34 year old women are very good decision makers.
20. My current husband is half Italian, have Irish.
21. He doesn't drink like an Irish-man.
22. He loves like an Italian.
23. I have three kids: two from my first marriage, one I inherited with my second marriage.
24. My son is 13 and wants to be a writer.
25. When he's not writing, he's trying to kill himself with a skateboard and a hand rail.
26. My daughters are both 14.
27. I take a lot of tranquilizers.
28. I take them in the form of alcoholic beverages.
29. Because of that, I'm immune to the "teenage eye-roll of deaht."
30. My daughters are brilliant.
31. I dropped out of college when I was 19 so I could spend more time with my boyfriend.
32. I9 year old girls are also not good decision makers.
33. I returned to college when I was 34.
34. I have a 4.0
35. It's community college.
36. #34 + #35 doesn't mean I'm dumb.
37. My IQ is 140.
38. I dont' think it was that high when I married my first husband.
39. I'm studying to be a teacher.
40. I don't know what I'm going to teach.
41. I don't know what else to study.
42. I'm very ambiguous about my future.
43. I didn't see NYC until I was 32 years old.
44. I wish I'd never left.
45. I love everything about NYC.
46. Except the hotdog vendors in Times Square.
47. I flashed a pervert on Bourbon St. for beads.
48. He threw down a string of beads in the shape of apples that say, "#1 Teacher."
49. I consider that an omen.
50. I don't know if it's a good omen.
51. I believe in ghosts.
52. I think my mother-in-law haunts my house.
53. I don't think she likes me.
54. My oldest daughter thinks our house in haunted by a cow.
55. I dont' know if commenting on #52 in conjunction with #54 would be very wise.
56. My husband doesn't believe in ghosts.
57. He did see Aileen Wuornos hitchhiking in Florida on the night she was executed.
58. Over the course of my life I've lost the same 50lbs.
59. I keep finding them.
60. I'm currently trying to lose them again.
61. I hate to exercise.
62. I love cheese.
63. I've been to Italy.
64. I wish I were in Italy right now.
65. Or New York.
66. But not Indiana.
67. I live in Florida now.
68. It never snows here.
69. I hate snow.
70. I have a Shi Tzu named Winnie.
71. She can lick her own self.
72. She's doing it right now.
73. It's the most disgusting sound I've ever heard.
74. I have a yellow tabby cat named Jackson Hole.
75. Jackson Hole is a restaurant in NYC.
76. They make the best hamburgers on earth.
77. I recently had Jackson declawed and neutered.
78. He is not forgiving.
79. The roof of my Mustang is proof of #77 and that back claws count.
80. I type 132wpm.
81. I learned to type fast by IMing.
82. I used to write for a publisher in Nashville.
83. He bought all my songs.
84. I've never seen a penny.
85. He used to pitch my songs to Faith Hill.
87. Now he just watches Oprah.
88. In 1999, I won the Southern Gospel Association's Female Vocalist Award.
89. I don't sing anymore.
90. I take pictures.
91. My husband takes better pictures.
92. I shoot a Nikon.
93. He shoots a Hassleblad.
94. I have camera envy.
95. I have a full-time job that is unimportant.
96. I think I could have been a lesbian, but women annoy me.
97. Most of my friends are gay men.
98. The act exactly like women.
99. I don't know why they don't annoy me.
100. One day I'm going to quit smoking cigarettes.
101. But never cigars.