Thursday, October 06, 2005

HNT - and old photo, a new revelation

Since I LOST the shots I intended on using for HNT this week (I transferred everything but, it would seem) I'm forced to post an HNT re-run. Hope you don't mind - it's my virgin HNT post from a ways back. HOWEVER, this time I'll tell you a story to go with the photo. If you'd rather just comment "Nice TITS!" and be on your way, that's fine too.

Do you remember a week or so ago when I told you about the voice in my head? If you do, then you'll also remember that I try my best to IGNORE it. There is a very good reason WHY I refuse to acknowledge it. It's sort of like, when you're in a room full of kids...if you stand in the room and observe, they'll stay away from you. If you help one of them tie their shoe, you suddenly have fifty of them biting at your ankles. So the other day I told the voice in my head that NOTHING is wrong. Big mistake...I acknowledged its presence...and now I've got other voices vying for my time.

I'd like to introduce you to the one that goes with this photo. As I was leaving campus Monday night, I was conversing with one of the friendlier people in my brain. We were devising the great Vegetarian Experiment and I mentioned that there was a skinny person inside me who was DYING to get out. A brand new voice said, "You don't have a skinny person in here. What you have is a fat person inside you who not only wants out, but has been out for most of your life."

I introduced myself to the fat person, and found out she's actually a fat kid. She was teased in sixth grade because she developed boobs long before the other kids had stinky armpits. She was verbally abused by her step-father every time she tried to put an extra pat of butter on her rice. She was turned down for dance team in high school because there was only one "chubby" uniform, and another chubby girl's mom had more money to donate to the team. She told me she's been fat all her life. I looked through her photos and told her that she was never fat. She doesn't believe me. She doesn't know what it's like to be skinny, whether she was or not.

This fat kid is inside me, and she always finds a way to manifest herself and sabotage my best intentions. She rattled off the hundreds of diets I've tried, and giggled when she told me how she derailed each attempt to make her go away. She says she's not going away, and she's not gonna get skinny. She said I can go to Weight Watchers, be a Vegetarian, take diet pills, and exercise until I drop; she's not going anywhere. There's a fat kid inside of me, dying to get out.

And when I look in the mirror, no matter what the reflection says, it's her that I see.

HNTbutton (Click here to play along.)