Wednesday, October 12, 2005

I'm Cool, Kids!

I had no idea my post would concern/worry/freak out so many of you. I'm so sorry! I had a funny post for today, but in light of the comments on yesterday's post, I felt I should scrap it and just let you know why I wrote what I wrote.

I wasn't physically shot. No real buckshot hit me anywhere. I was hit hard with an important realization, and it silenced me. I realized that my life has become an intinerary; do this, go here, now go there, now do this, now finish that, etc...

Once I realized that, it felt like every part of me had taken a direct hit -- my job, my home, my career, my family, my romance, even my hobbies...all had become perfunctory.

Knowing the problem is half the battle, but that half weighs a ton, and it's off my shoulders now. I'm okay, because I understand that my sadness, my depression as of late, has more to do with a lack of direction than anything else. The other part of the problem is figuring out how to add the vavoom back to my life. I know I need to figure out what the fuck I want to be when I grow up. Having a direction would be nice. I also need to get the fuck out of my house once in awhile. I need to start making a concerted effort to make friends and go play with them. I think someone kidnapped the friend-fairie because she hasn't left a single one under my pillow. The friend-stork isn't making any midnight drops...Santa doesn't leave friends for naughty get my point. It's been four years since I left Indiana, and I need to root myself in this new community before I wither altogether.

A few more clarifications:

The criminals and grieving families? Hey, did you forget I work in the county courthouse?

Oh, and the bruise? I was not beaten...I bumped my damned thigh on the footboard of my bed during, well... let's just say I bumped my thigh on the footboard of my bed and leave it at that.

I feel terrible for scaring you -- and at the same time, I'm so fucking blessed to have such dear ones who care. Thanks from the bottom of my fucked-up little heart.