Monday, May 22, 2006

Count Down to Goodbye, Girl

I was still awake last night/this morning when the coffee pot timer kicked on and started grinding up those beans. I just can't seem to calm myself enough to drift off into sleepy land.

Tonight I will use a sleep aid, because I can't function on auto pilot forever.

Tonight was what you would call a good night. Cadibug and I took a trip to Target to buy her a larger suitcase. We did not ignore the elephant. She talked freely about her reservations and her excitement over this new experience. I remained calm. I realize that I am her foundation. If I get upset, it only makes it harder for her to do what she needs to do. I told her I love her to death, I'll miss her like crazy, and I'll send her ProActive and BareMinerals any time she runs low. She said she'll set up my iPod for me before she leaves on Wednesday. She kissed my cheek without being asked to.

And it dawned on me that her leaving is NOT a rejection of me as a parent. Fact of the matter is, she has two parents that she loves very much. She didn't chose to move to Florida four years ago. I didn't give her a choice, and now the greatest thing I can do -- the last thing I can do for her for awhile -- is to give her choice my blessing. Yes, dammit, it's really hard. Yes, dammit, she's my baby girl. Yes, dammit, I'll cry some more at a later time. But I love that kid with all my heart, and if this is what she needs, then who am I to load her down with my emotions?

Now, maybe tomorrow when I put her to bed for the last time (for maybe a very long time) I will cry. But first I will hug her, kiss her little forehead goodnight, and softly close her door. THEN I will take a glass of wine and my cigarettes to the gazebo, and THEN I will quietly cry.

And time, I will rejoice in her victories. And time, I will hold her very close and thank God for bringing her back to me.

This is Funky, and that is all.