Thursday, May 18, 2006

If You Love Someone...

The rest of that phrase urges you to let go. If you love someone, let them go. If they come back to you, it was meant to be. If they don't... well, I don't even want to think about it.

Last night my beautiful daughter and I came to blows. This past year has strained our relationship to the point of breaking. Since she's been on "lock down" as she calls it, we have been the most bitter of enemies. Every conversation begins and ends with a fight. She gets in trouble, I ground her, all hell breaks loose. I'm literally losing weight because I don't have the energy to eat...because I "punish" myself by going to the gym and lifting weights until every muscle in my body is burning from the build up of lactic acid. I haven't lifted a finger around the house in over a month. She does nothing but sulk and devise ways to self destruct. Last night, enough was enough.

I gave her a choice. Yes, I did. I asked her if she wanted to continue to live with me, follow my rules, and maintain the necessary requirements for doing so: respect and responsibility.

She chose her dad.

In six days I will put her on a plane and let her go. In six days she will pack as much as she can into two suitcases and start a new life in her old hometown.

There is a part of me that feels like I should fight for her, beg her to stay, or tell her she doesn't have the choice.

There is also a part of me that is so fucking tired of battling my first born every single day.

In the end, I told her to go and go with my love and blessing. She says she needs a fresh start. She says she misses her dad. I know that both are true.

I just can't imagine losing her now -- now while she's starting high school and growing into the woman I know she will become.

But if I hold her here, I'll lose her forever.

So my heart is very heavy...broken in fact. But if you love something, you let it go. Even if it tears you apart.

I know without a doubt, from this day forward, I will never, ever be the same.

This is Funky, and that is all.