Sunday, May 14, 2006

Sloths of the World, Unite!

Happy Mom-Can-Do-What-She-Wants Day!

Oh, that's not what it is?

That explains the look on the face of my husband when he reminds me of my Tai Chi class this afternoon. Dammit, man.

So I'll just finish my cup of coffee, have one (or four) more cigarettes, and blog about how much I do NOT want to go to the gym today. I do not want to do the Down Dog. I do not want to lengthen my neck. I do not want to visualize a spot on the wall to keep me from falling on my ass.

I do want to be a sloth and finish my new Chuck Palahniuk book.

So where was I? Oh yes, Mothers' Day. (Is that apostrophe in the right place, Jane?)

Honest as honest can be, I detest holidays... at the least the ones that are supposedly centered around me. I hate them through no fault of the industry. It's not Halmark's fault any more than it's's fault. It's so much my fault, with my little princess complex.

As "my special day" approaches, I begin to visualize things like... breakfast in bed, smiling, rosey-cheeked children with flowers and homemade cards... doting husband with his shirt off, glistening still from a freshly-earned, housecleaning induced sweat, bringing me the perfectly prepared cup of steaming hot coffee.

And I wake up at 1:00 in the afternoon because one of my daughter's friends calls to wish me a Happy Mother's Day.

And now my husband is reminding me that I have 30 minutes to get to the gym. Grrrr.

I have that phone call to make as well... that phone call to my mother... that "Hi, Mom, happy you day, yes I know I haven't called or visited for awhile, I'm sorry, how are you, how are things, WHY THE FUCK DID YOU MOVE NEXT DOOR TO MY SISTER INSTEAD OF ME, did you like your flowers, what are you going to do with your special day, YOU TOLD ME YOU'D RATHER KILL YOURSELF THAN MOVE TO FLORIDA, how is your health, are you enjoying the sunshine, THEN YOU MOVED NEXT TO MY SISTER AFTER SHE MOVED TO FLORIDA THREE YEARS LATER, I love you too, yes we should really get together soon, I STILL HAVE REJECTION ISSUES AND YOU OWE ME FOR A SHITLOAD OF THERAPY, I'll talk to you soon."

Shouldn't holidays really be the days between the holidays?

This is Funky, and that is all.

Unless you want an update on my weight-loss. If so, it's exactly 30 lbs today.