Monday, October 17, 2005

Me-Me Monday #6

Welcome to another installment of, "Come ON -- tell me the WHOLE story!" otherwise known as "I love to talk about myself", and in a pinch can be called Me-Me Monday. The object of the game is to refer to your 101 Things About Me list, pick one of your "things" and tell the whole sordid tale.

6. It would be another 17 years before I actually made love.

I mentioned last week that my virginity -- that most holy and precious of things -- was offered up to avoid the constant annoyance of a Chastity Pledge made at church camp. That was my #5, and my #6 is the story of why it took another 17-some years to understand the hierarchy of sexual encounters.

Level One: Getting it over with
This is the type of sex you have when you make a chastity pledge, or your sexed-up friends are relentlessly teasing you about being a virgin. This is the kind of sex you have when your boyfriend/girlfriend bombards you with "Come on'd do it if you LOVED me...some people revert back to this Level when their partner pesters them for sex until they just give in, in order to shut them up.

Level Two: Getting it going
Now that you're no longer a virgin, you really need to figure out what you're supposed to do with that thing/his thing. The fear is gone and the exploration begins. You talk to your friends, you read Vogue, and you practice with vegetables.

Level Three: Getting laid
Now you KNOW what you want. You want it. A lot. This level requires diligent grooming and many bar tabs and cover charges in order to achieve satisfaction.

Level Four: Getting it regularly
You're tired of bar tabs and cover charges and fake phone numbers. You've found a partner who will give it up on an almost-daily basis. You begin to plan your life around this person in the hopes that you will never have to go back to Level Three again.

Level Five: Getting it on the side

Now your partner is watching a lot of football and eating a lot of cheetos. He never takes you out to the bars anymore, and the only thing he's tapping is a keg during the Superbowl. You sneak out, pay the cover charge, and have illicit, marvelous sex. Some people prefer to skip Level Five. Statistically, there aren't enough to remove this level from the hierarchy.

Level Six: Getting it right
Oh my're in love. Suddenly it's not all sweat and fire and screams. He looks in your eyes, he smiles gently, he kisses you as softly as silk, and you forget where you are, where you should be, and how you got here. All you know is that you finally got it right, and this is what you've been looking for, for seventeen years.

You can play in TWO ways today; You can play by telling YOUR story from YOUR list, or you can talk about my #6 on your blog from your point of view. Either way, let me know if you play and I'll do that linky voodoo I do so well!