I Drink Because I'm Mommy

*Sung poorly to the tune of "I Sing Because I'm Happy"

I had another working title for this post.
It was going to be...

SAY GOODNIGHT, FUNKY

A few months ago I found a shirt at the mall that said, simply,

"Nobody Cares About Your Blog"

I bought it because it made me giggle.

Fact of the matter is, it's also fairly true. At least to the point when you have to start dividing your time between sleep, sanity, and all those other necessities I seem to have misplaced.

We're on WWIIII (more like3,779) here in my house. I'm not going to whine, moan, or complain about it anymore.

Raising my kids is simply a day by day by day job.
Some days are extremely rewarding. Many more are very taxing.

And so I'm shutting her down. Not the kids, the blog.

Because I need to focus on the day by day by day part of maintaining my sanity so that I can raise my kids, play with my husband, and drink less.

And that means saying good-bye for now.


Greekchickie, thanks for the goodie in the Dasani bottle. I'll put it to good use.
Heather, thanks for re-sparking my love of the shutter.
Scotty, before blogs, there was e-mail.
Kami, thanks for taking care of my husband while he was broken on your turf.
John, thanks for my daily dose of "Kids will not kill you."



All of you, thank you.


This is Funky, and this really is all.

Been a Long Time Gone

But I'm still alive.


Hey, look what I can do.

Hair, Makeup, and Portrait by Funky

Attitude most definitely genetically imparted by Funky

This is Funky, and that is all.

Theory of Relatively

LoveBug and I went to "All That Glitters" last night in Tampa. It was a wine tasting benefit, so of course it was for a good cause. We got decked out and hit the ground running at 6:30p.m. I think I stopped drinking a hair before 10p.m. By the time the doors closed at 11p.m. I was stumbling to the car.

We sat in the parking lot for a period of time before I felt sufficiently close to passing out, thereby allowing my husband to actually move the vehicle without causing major sickness.

I woke up to the smell of petrol because we were almost out of gas. I stumbled from the car and waiting along the side of the road until he was done. He brought me bread, which I tried to eat, unsuccessfully. I made my way back to the car and rode home with a 32oz plastic cup mounted under my chin, just in case.

The next time I woke we were in our driveway. I opened the door and threw up in the lawn. I stumbled past my son on the way to the bedroom, swearing that I would never drink again. I slept on the bathroom floor. It was uncomfortable, but comforting to know the toilet was just a hurl away.

I woke this morning with a bruised forehead, most likely from the door lock.

The benefit was great fun, and thankfully I remember 99% of it. I procured some fabulous art work by a student at Ringling. I don't have pictures of the pieces I won in the auction, but here is a sample of his work. You can find more of his stuff at www.myspace.com/jrodrig2



LoveBug bought some wine -- he's not sure how much as he was a bit toasty at the time of purchase. He said, "It's okay, it's for a good cause," to which I replied, "Cause we were drunk." To which we giggled for a split second before grabbing our heads and groaning in pain.

I'm relatively sure I shall never, ever drink again.

This is Funky, and that is all.

Funky Was Here

Is a picture really worth 1,000 words?



Only if your imagination is less than active.

This took place Thursday night in Tampa, Florida at the Sheryl Crow/John Mayer concert we attended. According to John Mayer's blog, this stunt is in retribution for an end-of-tour prank he pulled on her the night before. I think perhaps we were treated to the best "gotcha" of the tour. For full details on the prank, and more photos of the incredible Sheryl Crow in her undies, you can click on the link.

The show was awesome, of course. As a huge Mayer fan, I was surprised that I was blown away by him. I know he's talented, but genius? I had no clue. But I honestly think this boy is going to be the best thing to come out of his generation.

Other than that, LoveBug and I sat behind a group of six people that were practicing swinging, and I don't mean on a playground. Talk about a strange distraction. Sorry I didn't get pictures of that, but I stole the above from John. Sorry.

This is Funky, and that is all.

'Nuff Said?

It's a start, but it's not nearly enough. Get out there and have the conversation!

Now, I'm off to bed, and tomorrow I'm off to see John Mayer... which won't involve a bed at all, regardless of his place in my Top 3.
This is Funky, and that is all.

Bizarro World

Weird things uttered today:

"Mom, would you like to join me and Winnie on a walk?"

"How much time do you have to do that exercise thing? You're already a MILF... I mean, that's what my friends say. I'm not saying which ones, but they all say you're hot."



This is Funky, and that is all.

Dear Mike

Dear Mike,

Many moons ago you bought me this:



And I swore I would use it faithfully. And I got on it that very first week.

For one whole minute.

After awhile it began to collect dust in the corner of the living room. That is until you tripped over it when your leg was broken.

Then it began to collect dust in the boy's room.

I swore I'd use it more when I moved it, because now I could exercise AND spend quality time with my son.

But his room smells like a whole lot of feet.

So it collected more dust.

Today the boy and I drug it back out to the living room because your leg isn't broken anymore.

And as if dragging it across the house weren't work out enough, I actually used the damned thing. It hurt like hell, and I loved every (counted) second of it.

So I know this is late coming, but thank you for my work-out thingamabob.

Love,
Your sweaty, tired, and very proud wife.

This is Funky, and that is all.

Countdown to a breakdown

Tomorrow night is photography class. I've mulled over things all week, and after much thought, I've decided I'm turning in the damned photograph. You guys were right -- fuck her.

I'm sure everyone will hate me for it, and everyone will feel sorry for her. But that's okay.
She got the sympathy.
She got the class behind her.

But I got the fucking shot.
Game over.


This is Funky, and that is all.

The Foley Scandal -- In Child's Terms

A dramatization* of Foley's overly friendly email, in easily understandable Muppet form so you too can get an idea of why people are upset:



*Disclaimer: the above characters do not actually have peens. Grover, on the other hand, is a total freak who can't keep it in his furry little pants. And you don't even want to know about Guy Smiley...


/shamelessly stolen from Farker Cordwainer Deathbird

//funky can't stop laughing at this

///ever








This is Funky, and that is all.