Friday, September 30, 2005

Stuff Portrait Friday, and Happy WTF!

It's Meme Friday...chock full-o memes we are. Without further delay...

Stuff Portrait Friday - Courtesy of Random and Odd suggests:

1. Something in your house that isn't where it should be.

My Damn Cat

He should NOT be on the washer.
He should NOT be in LoveBug's t-shirt drawer.

In fact, I'm certain he should not be on this planet at all.

2. Something you broke, but kept.

I present, the Italian Cat
You'll note the fine, hand-painted detail on this two-foot tall ceramic cat. You'll also note it is missing a head. LoveBug's dad purchased this cat in Amalfi, and carried it ON HIS LAP the entire flight home. Three weeks after moving in with LoveBug, I haphazardly stumbled through the door and swung a grocery bag into the THEN full-on-headed feline, sending it crashing to the ground. LoveBug, who loves this cat more than me, was sweet but devestated. I am still in the process of trying to replace it, but until I do, the Headless Italian Cat remains.

3. Food that you have in your house that you never eat (or drink)

This Thing
Honestly, I don't know what it is. I know one of LoveBug's clients gave him a box of this shit as a Christmas gift, but it's been sitting in the pantry for a year. As you can see, the pantry has been cleaned out, but this "Alfajor" thingy is still there.

Since Self-Portrait Friday isn't posted yet, I'll move straight to White-Trash Friday, or WTF.

Seriously, who does this shit? Who sits at home with a beer on a Saturday night, and photoshops her husband OUT and David Boreanaz and Brad Pitt in? too? Well, welcome to WTF!

In other news...we're off for the weekend. LoveBug and I are driving to Ft. Lauderdale with CadiBug, CuddleBug, and LighteningBug in a rented minivan with a DVD player (yeah, no more "He's on my side" for me). Saturday we will leave the children in the hands of hotel security and room service while my honey and I go, hang on I forgot who were were seeing..."Honey, what concert are we going to again?" Oh yeah...Pavarotti...his final tour or something like that. So, you guys have a fabulous weekend, and I'll see you on Monday!

Thursday, September 29, 2005


HNTbutton (Click here to play along.)

I want to be noticed, just not seen.

More from the Pearl series~

I think I'm most comfortable when I'm hiding. Taking shots of myself, sans clothing, has made me very aware of the fact that I'm not an extrovert. When I look over the shots I've taken, I find myself drawn to the ones that show me backing away from the camera...hiding from it... refusing to acknowledge my presence even to myself...and yet, there is something empowering about HNT. Try it -- you'll see what I mean.

Wednesday, September 28, 2005's almost Midnight

It's almost midnight, and I don't have a thing to blog about. I'm going to let you inside my brain. It's scary in here, kids; bring galoshes.

I'm seriously pissed...FOX announced that both "Bones" and "House M.D." are on hiatus until November 1st so they can cover the baseball season. Isn't that what ESPN is for? Don't they know they're on shaky ground with me...first they cancelled "Buffy" and now this?!?

If someone files a restraining order against you, the judge is NOT going to take you seriously when you reciprocate after the fact. Get.that.through.your.head. Save the other court reporters like me the trouble of having to take your testimony.

Ranch Dressing -- tell me why it's the only thing that makes a salad taste good, and why it's the one thing that elevates a salad to the unhealthy level of lard.

"What's wrong?"

That's the voice in my head. It's been in my head for so many years, I can't remember when it found its voice. That voice pisses me off. I try to drown it out when it speaks; mostly it talks to me when I'm using the bathroom, but lately it's been screaming at me in the elevator AND on my way home from work...and people wonder why I listen to talk radio. I refuse to answer the voice -- I just try to drown it out. If I answer it, I might break. Breaking is bad. Denial -- that's good stuff.

Dollar General -- how is it that I go in for toilet paper and walk out with $90.00 worth of SHIT! Do you KNOW how much Tupperware I could buy for $90.00? Well, not much, but it would last longer. BTW -- Purpletwinkie is holding a virtual Tupperware party. I bought some stuff on Sunday, and it shipped on Monday. Not bad turnaround, huh?

Is that enough? No?

Okay - my depression. It's real, kids. I fucking hate it, but I also hate taking the meds for it. I like to feel something, even if it's sadness. My husband refers to it as the Hemingway Syndrome -- for some strange reason, that makes me smile. Not like I'm going to blow my head off or anything...but it's comforting to be counted among geniuses and loonies. I'm smart enough to know that living with teenagers is enough to drive my sanity over the edge, but I'm crazy enough NOT to know when I've tried to "work through it" beyond the load the patch can hold. I'm not going to snap myself out of this any time soon, but I promise if I reach maximum overload, I'll refill my Lexis. K? K! I'm not going to whine about it anymore. I'm am going to turn it into some fabulous posts for next week though!

Monday, September 26, 2005

Me-Me Monday #3

Yes, it's that Me-Me Monday thing again!

3. I don't know my father at all.

Well, the past few days have been very tough for FunkyB, and I was looking forward to some light banter about my life. I thought about skipping #3, but I'll have to deal with it sooner or later, so I might as well toss back another Michelob Ultra and get it over with.

Essentially, my mother fell in love with this sailor named "Bud". Madly. Passionately. Stupidly. You've fallen in love like that before -- you KNOW how it feels, especially the "stupid" part.

So against her better judgement, she hooked up with this guy and they dated whenever he was in port.

Before I say she's blameless, let me mention again that this kind of love is STUPID. It makes you do stupid things. It shuts down the frontal lobe and you lose all reason. So, in spite of the fact that his wife called her and informed her of the fact that she was dating a married man, it was really too late for my mother to reason this one out. When she became pregnant, he promised to take care of us. Let's just say he didn't keep his promise.

He's seen me -- once. After my mom married Sarg, he ran into us at a military commissary. He took a look at me all cute in the pram and then asked my mother if she was happy. She stupidly said, "yes". It was a lie, but what do you say when you live by the motto, "living well is the best revenge"?

So I grew up never, ever knowing my biological father. I'd LOVE to start calling him sperm-donor or baby-maker...but I can't. He's my dad. That kind of sucks, because I can love him regardless of the fact that I do not know him, and most likely never will. I do know that he was a champion sharp-shooter and according to my mom, looked quite a bit like William Devane.

I did search for him a time or two. When I was in my teens, my grandma gave me a piece of paper she'd held onto -- with his social security number and military information written in fading pencil. I tucked that in the safest place I knew. Then one day -- without explanation -- it was gone. My mother never said a word about it.

Later, after my son was born, I tried again. I came so close, I thought...but it never materialized. At 24, I gave up, and I've never tried to find him again.

An addendum to #3 would be:
3a) I cannot watch Oprah or Montel when they do reunion shows. I cry too hard. I can't breath.
3b) I identify more with my Sicilian side than my German side. After all, I grew up with the German, but I missed the Sicilian. It's all I've got, and I'm keeping it.
3c) If by some miracle, one of you reading this knows someone named George Calvin Burkhart, please e-mail me. I miss my daddy.

So, there's my Me-Me Monday, in all its carnival fun. Let me know if you play and I'll link you up.

Friday, September 23, 2005

Stuff Portrait AND Self Portrait Friday AND WTF!!!

So what are you trying to say? Are you trying to say I'm only original 3 days/week? Why, why... well, okay...maybe. But at least I'm cute.

Stuff Portrait Friday - Courtesy of Random and Odd suggests:

Something that was perfect in the store, but awful when you got it home.
I didn't get this in a "store" but at a tent market in St. Martin. I thought it was fantastic -- perfect for our living room. It isn't either. It's hideous with its frayed edges, but I refuse to accept that after carrying it all the way across the island, after protecting it from embarkation ruination, that it needs to be in the garbage.

Your cell phone
I mumbled to my husband, "Now, how am I going to make my cell phone INTERESTING?" at which point he tucked it into my cleavage, snapped the photo and responded, "Half-nekkid Thursday, meet Stuff Portrait Friday." I love that guy! BTW -- if you're wondering why a sassy gal like me has such a plain-jane phone, it's because this is the fourth (and final, according to LoveBug) phone I've had in three years. The first phone stopped charging (maybe because I spilled coffee in it). The second phone powered down all on it's own whenever it fucking felt like it (maybe because I dropped it on the driveway). The third phone fried out (maybe because I jumped fully-clothed into a hot tub with it tucked in my pocket). This phone, the high-impact phone, is guaranteed to be Funky-proof.

Your camera

What else is there to say about my camera? It's my baby, and I love it! I don't use the kit lense much anymore, now that Nikon is making some sweet lenses for their digitals. On the right is the wide-angle I just purchased...on the left is the fisheye I'm saving up for...right after I get my macro.

Self Portrait Friday - Courtesy of The Dirty Days suggests a picture of me in my kitchen, or wherever I prepare my meals.

Well, you know, most nights I prepare MY meals in the microwave. Here's my favorite: Michael Angelo's Vegetable Lasagna! Mmmmm... But just to prove that occassionally I do cook and bake, here's me with my mixer.
Can you tell I'm completely in love with it? I AM!!!

Finally, WTF, or White Trash Friday is a little celebration me and my trailor park kin participate in. The assignment each week is self-explanatory, and here's my offering:

That's me at my night-job...waitin' tables in my daisy-dukes.

***What's more WT than this? Gettin' drunk on a Saturday night and photo-shopping one's head on to Jessica Simpson's body...friends, that's the spirit of WTF!***

I kinda like posting pictures of ME and talking about ME and celebrating the ME that is ME! That's a lot of ME going on there...speaking of which, don't forget your Me-Me Monday post...'cause it's all about ME, unless of course, it's all about you.

I really hope you all have a fantabulous weekend. Those of you in Rita's path - be blessed. My prayers are with you!!!!!!!!!!!

Thursday, September 22, 2005


HNTbutton (Click here to play along.)

One of my newly found, favorite blogs is Looney Bin Drop Out. The other day she wrote a fabulous post about how her husband is her hero... and amidst all the sweetness, she mentioned that he's hot as hell and built like a brick shit-house. So I suggested she use him as her feature for HNT... and I promised if she'd show me hers, I'd show her mine.

Anty up, girlfriend!

That's my LoveBug...he's beautiful without the PS work, but you know I love me some electronic art. I still can't believe I get to crawl under the covers with this man, but I do.

Happy HNT!

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Bug & Bees

Says Me: They're back.

Says LoveBug: Who's back?

The wasps. They're back.

No, they aren't - they can't be. I sprayed their nest.

Well, they built another one.


Fuck if I know how - they are WASPS in Florida. Maybe they applied for a FEMA loan!

How do you know they're back?

The mail lady left another note.

May I approach the bench, your honor? I present, Exhibit #1: The Note

So what should I do?

Spray them again.


Spray them again.

Me? Spray?

Your Honor, may I approach the bench again? I'd like to present Exhibit #2: A simulated photograph of what happens to me when stinging things are near.

If you don't spray, the mail lady will not deliver the mail.

Why can't you spray?

I can, but I won't be home for two days. Just spray them and run.

Okay - well, you know...I just want to let you know that I haven't done the dishes yet. Given that I'll be dying in about five minutes, I just thought you should know they'll be waiting for your return.

Okay - that shouldn't be a problem. Love you.

I've loved you too, dear. Please remember that when I'm gone.

Your Honor, for the record, Exhibits #3 - 6.

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Sleep Angel, Sleep Angel

NOT on my list of 101 Things About Me is this little fact: I snore. I don't "cute" snore, and I don't "occassionally" snore. I snore like a man -- loud, obnoxious, and the second I fall asleep.

Now, I didn't always snore. I'm not sure why I snore now, but make no mistake, snore snore I do. My dearest LoveBug has tried to be a good and kind person; he has purchased ear plugs, but my snoring breaks the barrier. We bought a white noise machine, but my snoring reaches past the soothing sound of rain, interrupting the pattern of pitter-pat with freight trains of terror. I've tried homeopathic drops and sprays, and I've run through a mint's worth of nasal strips. NOTHING HELPS!

The other day I received a package in the mail. I was sooooooooo excited! I tore it open immediately and found this:

It's a sleep angel. You wear it. To bed. Nightly.

Do you see now that my sex life is O.V.E.R? How UNHOT is this?

According to the Internet, I'm supposed to look like this when I'm getting ready to fall asleep:
Not like this:

I'd say, "Fuck me, I'm screwed" but I have a feeling that's the furthest thing from truth that could be said right now.