Saturday, May 28, 2005

Tagged Again! Damn, I'm a Popular Bitch

Seriously - I know I should moan and groan when I'm tagged for a meme, but (a) I like to talk about myself (b) I like knowing what a 'meme' is, and (c) it makes me feel like one of the cool kids. Anyhoo, Kim, the most bitch-ass mom I've ever encountered, tagged me for this bit of literary valium.

3 names I go by: Mom, Mommy, and "Hey-when-you-get-a-chance-can-you..."

Too many Fucking Kids!

3 screen names I've had: DivaTeacher, Wife_of_a_Wes_Freak, & LisaLu2U (I love pretending to be a dumbassed hick online)

3 physical things I like about myself: I have very healthy hair, big brown eyes, and massive tits.

3 parts of my heritage: German, Italian, and that's all, folks.

3 things I am wearing right now: Stupid-assed flowery capris, Joel's Dekuyper t-shirt...and that's it 'cause it's the end of the work day and I'm commando, baby.

Miss your shirt, bitch?

3 favorite bands/musical artists: No dammit...there are not 3 favorite bands. There are many. BUT just today I listened to Michael Buble', Rascal Flatts, and Bob Dylan.

3 favorite songs: Again, this is not possible. The three best songs I've heard all week though, are "Blessed" by Rachael Lampa, "Home" by Michael Buble', and "Your Body is a Wonderland" by my new, future third ex-husband John Mayer.

3 things I want in a relationship: It's okay to lie to me, but you'd better not get caught because the only thing I hate less than dishonesty is a bad liar that thinks I'm stupid enough to buy his bullshit. Sex - lots of sex. Hot monkey sex, sex in public places, porn-star sex, screaming and hanging from the rafters sex. If you don't tell me I'm beautiful when I get dressed up, you should probably not go to sleep any time soon.

3 physical things about the preferred sex that appeal to me: Eyes...gimme green eyes that look through me, and I'm good as gold. Abs that are just tone enough so that place below your hipbone (the dip) is visible...yeah, just like that, baby. Be funny man. You can have 1 & 2, but lack three, and you're dead to me.

3 favorite hobbies: Blogging, cards, photography.

3 Things I want to do badly right now: Kill the mosquito that is fucking up my down-time, eat an entire plate of cheese, drink another beer.

3 things that scare me: Spiders, clowns, and scales

3 of my everyday essentials: My smokes, my coffee & my M.A.C. pressed powder. Jack me up and turn my beautiful ass out into the world.

3 Careers you have considered or are considering: Teaching - yeah, I know I'm getting paid to go to school to teach, but the thought of getting my hands dirty raising other people's kids is so tempting that I'm actually looking forward to it. Singer/songwriter - yeah, I know I've been there and done that...but I never quite made it, so it's still unfulfilled. Educational psychologist - someone needs to get into the schools and straighten things out before all our kids are fucked beyond belief (and not in a good way, G.)

3 places you want to go on vacation: Greece, Sicily, Africa.

3 kids' names you like: Faye Annette - this gorgeous blonde in my mom's yearbook, Potter - actually makes me wish I could have one more kid. Doctor - see, that's for my retirement. I want a kid named Dr.

3 things you want to do before you die: Lose all my weight and keep it off permanantly. Have one fucking song...JUST ONE that I've written, get recorded by someone talented and famous. Live in a foreign country - preferably Italy - and adopt their culture, thereby denouncing mine.

3 ways I am stereotypically a boy: I hate to talk on the phone - hate it. Do not call me on the phone unless someone is dying. I have zero tolerance for catty behaviour and am often tempted to strangle the living shit out of most of the women I'm forced to spend more than a hour with. If you buy me a six pack and turn on a good boxing match, I will enter a self-induced coma.

3 ways I am stereotypically a girl: I love jewelry. If you didn't get the six-pack/boxing thing right, buy me something shiny. I'm a purse whore. I will fuck anyone for a high-end bag...and I said high end. Don't bring me that Liz Clairborne shit. I want Fendi, or Tods...and yes, I can tell the difference between the genuine article and a knock off, so don't try that shit with me unless you want to lose a testicle. I cry - I cry when people win American Idol, and I cry when people fall in love, or break up, or win the lottery.

3 celeb crushes: Kenney Chesney, Michael Buble, Angelina Jolie...for starters...

And that my friends, is the skinny. And now I get to tag the shit out of three people, and I choose...

MelodyAnn at Searchin' for a Rainbow because I probably know her answers, on-a-count-a she's kinda like me

Andre at When Life Gives You Lemons because I know he can take a tired ol' meme and make it super cool on-a-count-a he's WAY creative

Marianna at My Big Fat Greek Blog because she totally LOVES to blog, and will probably jump on this meme in a heartbeat.

Now dammit - get your ass back to the top of the page and read this, for real. I know you just skimmed down to the bottom...I KNOW you did. There's an ass-load of stuff for you to comment on.

Friday, May 27, 2005

LoveBug Takes a Bite Out of the Blogosphere

So I'm leaving on a jet, actually a big cruise ship with a lot of alcohol...but I love that song...

And so I'm leaving for a week, and I know for damned sure that I can't count on AudioBlogger to come through for you all, my sweeties. So I'm leaving you a little treat. Please go to LoveBug's Blog and give him some comment lovin'. But just comments...he's my inner-fairie boy and I don't share...I play well with others, but I don't share.

I got I'll post that tomorrow before I leave. It's long as hell, and it should keep you occupied until I get back.


Thursday, May 26, 2005

The Plot Sickens...

I spoke with CadyBug a few nights ago regarding the health teacher. I wanted a teacher's name...someone to go to directly. When I asked her the name of the teacher who told her that condoms wouldn't protect her from AIDS, she told me that it wasn't the teacher, but rather a nurse from the local hospital who came as a guest speaker.

No, the teacher did not correct the nurse at any time during her talk.
No, the teacher did not, at any time following the nurse visit, correct the misinformation.

I work for the school board, so this gets sticky now. I asked a co-worker if as a parent, I had the right to request the curriculum. She assured me that as a parent, I could, then asked (out of curiosity I suppose) why I wanted it. When I told her the story, she blew me away. She informed me that our entire county, THE SCHOOL BOARD OF POLK COUNTY, has adopted an abstinence only curriculum for all their sex education units.

Guess what? I'm not fighting the teacher or the school... I'm going to have to fight my employer. Did I mention that my employer also funds my education?

Shit shit shit.

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

Stop Lying to Our Kids!

Please let me in your school!

If you haven't yet visited The Church of Steele, I urge you to do so today. When you get there, please click on his Talk2Kids link and prepare yourself for my rage. Go on - I'll wait.

Okay - you see now how important it is to open the lines of communication with our kids, including conversations about, yes, S.E.X.Because of Garrison's devotion, I recently decided to have a very frank conversation with my soon-to-be-fourteen year old daughter.

I was raised by two non-practicing parents; a non-practicing Lutheran and a non-practicing Methodist. Because I was raised with hypocrasy and narrow-mindedness, I found myself trapped in a religious cult all through my twenties and into my early thirties. This madness has taught me to allow my children exposure to all manner of worship. They are free to attend Baptist revivals or Buddhist temples as they see fit. My daughter spent a year attending a charismatic youth group on Wednesday night with her friends. One of the interesting side-effects is her Chastity Oath; she has a signed card in her wallet that promises the Baby Jesus she will remain a virgin until marriage. Yeah, I had one of those too; it's the very reason I lost my virginity at 17 (the pressure was too much!) So speaking with CadyBug about birthcontrol was a subject that I knew must be approached with the greatest amount of respect for her wishes. She listened as I explained the power of hormones and sexual tension, and how those two critters can cloud our brain and make decisions of passion that we may later regret. I told her a depo shots will protect her from an unwanted pregnancy, but only condoms will protect her from STDs. She then tells me that condoms will NOT protect her from AIDS...that the AIDS virus is small enough to slip through the holes in condoms. MY GOD! I asked her who told her that, and her response was, "My health teacher."

OMFUCKINGGOD! Friends, THIS is what the religious right want taught in our schools! This is what our kids are learning - they are being lied to, and frightened into chastity! Until last week, my kiddo believed that sex with a condom is useless, because they have tiny little holes that allow the viruses to escape. She was laboring under the misguided and deadly belief that if you are going to have sex, condoms are useless, so why bother with the embarrassment of asking your partner to wear one.

Did I set her straight? You betcha. Am I going over to her school this week to have a talk with her health teacher? Damned straight. Bitch, you can teach my kids whatever version of sex education you want to...but don't you fucking lie to my daughter and risk her health in order to scare her into abstinence!

I see a letter to the editor coming.

Sunday, May 22, 2005

Where I've Been...

Where I very well may be over the next week....

Where I'll definitely be the week after that...

So let's recap... I spent the last week studying... 'nuff said.

My husband went to a view camera seminar in Massachusetts, and all I got out of the deal was a t-shirt from Yale and a digital body for my Nikon lenses (aw, poor me)...

And Saturday I'll be drinking something with a lot of alcohol, watching the Carnival Glory pull out of Tampa toward the Caribbean.

Oh sure, I'll be popping in here and there as the spirit moves me, but I'll be back in swing when I'm back from St. Thomas.

I don't know which I'm more excited about... the cruise, or the camera. Tee hee!

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

The Gift that Keeps on Not Giving

I had a surprise for you guys this morning. I was simply floored at all the comments on my psychology paper. I wanted to thank you all in a very special way, but I didn't have a video camera like Last Girl on I finally used my AudioBlogger account to leave you a special message. That was 8am this morning, and it still hasn't posted.

So that sucks.

'Cause it's not really the thought that counts...especially when the thought is a substitute for a fine piece of jewelry contained inside a robin's egg blue box.

Thank you thank you thank you to each of you that offered up your insight and your wisdom! I felt completely and totally prepared to write my paper, and I have all of you to thank. Now you just WAIT until I start my paper on Blogging for my computer class!!!

And that's all I'm gonna say tonight. I'm going to rest in the knowledge that one paper is done. I'm going to crack open a bottle of wine and watch American Idol. If Carrie gets voted off (and I just have the worst feeling that she will) then I'll finish the bottle and call it a night.

I'll be 'round to see y'all in the morning!

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

Remember "Funky Gets an A"? A Plea for Insight

I'm taking Psychology as a distance education course online. We were told we would have pop quizzes, with two days to complete them. So I've really studied the material for the 1st two chapters, just to make sure I was ready for the first quiz. Well, here it is:

" To All:

POP QUIZ I, Due no later than Wednesday 5/18/05 at 8:00pm.

"Do you think people believe things because they are true, or are things true because people believe them."

Have fun.

Cheers, Dr.P. "

WTF? What the fuck kind of quiz is this? Come on...ask me who the father of American Psychology is? Ask me, "Who was the first woman to receive a PhD in pyschology." Ask me the difference between structuralism and functionalism. Don't ask me some bullshit, esoteric nonsense!!!

Okay - Chime in guys. Help Funky Get an A.

Sunday, May 15, 2005

It's Good to be Queen

If you're drunk with power, what does that hang-over feel like? Really, someone warn me... because I'm binging on the glorious nature of parenting three teenagers. Here's the brief run-down...

Incident: CuddleBug decides to mouth off to a teacher on Friday.
Result: CuddleBug cannot have friend spend the night.
Follow-up Incident: CuddleBug says various, "I hate you/you're ruining my life" remarks, then finishes his rage by taking his skateboard to his bed and busting all the headposts off.
Result: An entire weekend of Work Detail (and anger management therapy)

Incident: CadyBug is having a party and asks if a friend can come over early. I decline, so CadyBug and her step-sister BookWorm decide to smuggle said friend into the house under my nose.
Result: CadyBug has to pay for the party herself, AND participate in three hours of work detail.

Incident: Aside from participating the in the illegal alien incident, BookWorm knowingly breaks VERY IMPORTANT HOUSE RULE # 9, no laying on the back of the couch. When I walk in the house, BookWorm slides off the couch and pretends to be sleeping. BookWorm is now seriously pushing the bounderies of my patience. Then BookWorm decides to borrow my $100 flattening iron without permission, subsequently gunking it up with hair products.
Result: Three hours of Work Detail

Why am I drunk with power? All three of my lovely teenage children are sweating their asses off in the backyard, under the supervision of LoveBug. They are pulling weeds, raking leaves, and stuffing bags. I am sitting in my office with a cold diet coke listening to the sounds of my road crew getting their asses busted by Warden LoveBug. Ultimate end result: My backyard is one step closer to landscaping with absolutely no effort or expense on my part.

It's good to be queen.

Friday, May 13, 2005

No, Fuck US!

Averett University Tells Baptist to Go Fuck Themselves.

I love this article. I love watching the tide slowly turn. I love the fact
that 145 years of Baptist
funding ended in favor of, as the university president said,
a community of tolerance."

I'm going to relinquish the rest of my commentary to my brother-in-law,
who said it best when he responded:

I particularly liked:

"I think we won't be seen as just a Baptist university, but as a
university where anyone can come."

Amen to that, Brother Tim (my brother-in-law is an ordained Episcopal).
Where do I sign up for summer sexsion?

Thursday, May 12, 2005


Searchin' for a Rainbow tagged me for an interesting meme. She posed five unusual questions for me and only me (I'm soooooooo special) and let me answer them. So here are my answers. In addition, I would like to continue the meme (because I don't want to work today.) If you would like to be interviewed, please say so in the comment section, and I'll fire off your five questions.

1. What's your favorite television show? Why? Normally, I'm a reality show junkie, but the only way I define my favorite show is by asking myself which show I would kill someone if they made me miss. The answer is, "House MD." It's got all the elements of ER when ER was cool... and it's full of cynicism and rudeness. What's not to love? Oh yes, and Hugh Laurie's eyes...

2. What's the scariest thing you ever saw/went through? Okay, when I was like five or six, I was walking down the front steps of my grandma's house. When I reached the bottom step, I felt like I had just walked through a wall of pins (kind of like those pin cushion art things they sell at Spencer Gifts.) I stood totally frozen , then screamed. I never knew what it was that happened to me, and I've never been able to find anyone who could give me a satisfactory explanation. It remains the scariest experience of all time.

3. What kind of music makes you feel like dancing? Which group or artist is your favorite? Call me a dork, but every time I hear Rachel Lampa sing "Blessed" I start doing some dork-assed ballet thing...which is totally embarrassing when I get caught. But I don't have one single favorite artist or genre or song. I love all music, provided it's well written, well sung, and not in the least bit trite.

4. If you're driving alone, in your car, and you decide to strike up a conversation with yourself, what topic do you pick? "Why the hell are you so fat? It's just a fucking Twinkie. It's not the golden cock. Shut your pie-hole, you pig."

5. Which would you rather do, stand naked by the side of the highway, or walk over a floor covered with broken glass? Tell me why you chose. Jesus H. If I were still a size 6, I'd pick the highway hands down. I'm an exhibitionist at heart anyhow, and I think nudity is beautiful. BUT since I'm not a size six right now, I'd probably choose the glass. Scars heal, but horrific shame is eternal.

There you have it - the daily meme. Shew... now I don't have to worry about today's topic!

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

National Day of Mourning




Anyone care to join me? My future 3rd ex-husband just tied the knot, and if I'm the only one drinking gin, my boss is going to notice that much sooner.

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

What We Have Here, is a Failure to Communicate

I don't have one single fucking clue why the title of this blog is what it is. It's the first thing that came to my mind, and it's staying.

I'm in one hell of a mood today - and I don't know why...better yet, I don't care why.

You, over there in the corner working on the fax machine. YOU ARE NOT FUNNY, SO PLEASE SHUT THE FUCK UP WITH YOUR LAME-ASSED JOKES.

You, stupid bitch on the phone with me right now... I don't give a rats ass about your $14.00 reimbursement check. I'm sitting on $172k dollars worth of furniture and technology orders... and you piss me off every single day with your whining and your constant bullshit. It's $14.00 dollars; what the hell is your problem? It will get there when it fucking gets there, and if you keep harrassing me, the next one will take twice as long as this one did.

Hey, Crazy Bitch in the next room... if you sing "Yes, Jesus Loves Me" one more time, I'm going to make sure you can sing it to Him face-to-face, if you get my drift.

Hey, troll-ass-mother-fucker... when you're done harrassing my friend Kim, why don't you come on over here and give me a go 'round. Bring your own knives though... mine were all stolen and shoved in my back by my mother and my sister.

God Fucking Damn I'm in a pissy mood.

This could get fun.

Sunday, May 08, 2005

True Conversation

Cadybug hops into bed with me this morning to wish me a Happy Mother's Day. Having just returned from a weekend with her best friend, she shares the details of her exciting Saturday night.

Cadybug: So, it was pretty emotional. I mean, everything was fine, then Granny (her best friend's Granny) decides she wants to take us to the mud hole (a place, I am told, where there is mud) and Jessica's grandpa says no. So Granny gets mad and starts yelling at him that he never takes her anywhere and he never lets her do anything...then Granny starts picking shit up off the table and throwing it...

LoveBug interrupts: Did you just say, "shit?"

CadyBug: No, I said "crap." Anyway, Jessica's mom tries to calm Granny down, and Granny hits her, so Jessica's mom hits her back. Then Granny grabs a beer bottle and chases us to the car.

Me: CadyBug, honey...I know you like spending time with Jessica and her family, but don't you think there's a lesson to be learned from all this?

CadyBug: Absolutely. Never give Granny tequila.

Saturday, May 07, 2005

No.No.NO! Fuck, NO!!!!!!!!!

This has got to stop. Or, maybe not...???

Just click on the link...come on. I'll wait.

Okay - are you outraged? Pissed beyond measure? Scared?

I'm not going to go into a Christian-bashing post here... I'm going into a Fristian bashing post (term for those right-wing Frist worshippers.)

You mean to tell me, in all seriousness that this assmunch wants to ban books written BY gay authors, regardless of content? Oh, yes, banning is bad bad bad... but it's always been about content. Now what? Intent? Another bullet on the Gay Agenda?

Now call me crazy, but I love this guy. It's wack-jobs like Gerald Allen that will ultimately lead to the enlightenment of America. Keep up the good work, dude. Seriously. We've got Terri Shiavo, and your little bill... we've almost reached the trifecta. I hear the freedom train.

Thursday, May 05, 2005

Canonizing Angelina

This One?

Or This One?

This One?

Or This One?

Now, before you get your panties in a bunch, let me explain by asking you to take a moment to reflect on this short list:

Camilla Parker Boles
Russell Crowe
Paris Hilton
Britney Spears
Melanie Griffith

Come on... at least one of those names made your blood boil just a little, didn't it? If not, then you can feel free to ignore the rest of this post.

Look, I know guys who swear they'd go gay for a shot at Pitt, and I know for certain that I would bed Angelina in a heartbeat... they are most likely as good as it gets. From the male standpoint, Brad is hitting the girl on the top of the "I'd Hit That" list, so he's exempt from scrutiny, but what about Angelina? America's First Couple splits and before Jen's tears are dry, the tabloids are buzzing about Brad and Ang... and what was your first thought? Unlike the list above, I haven't heard one single bad word about Angelina yet.

I believe we have canonized Angelina because she is so damned damned damned hittable...and frankly the split made us feel a bit sorry for Jen, but not near enough to cast stones and Saint Jolie. Because ultimately, who could really blame Brad?

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

Everybody Wants Me (well, at least my stuff)

Damn! You know, I honestly thought that when classes finished for the semester, I'd have all this free time, and life would be easy-breezy. No.Such.Luck. Now that everyone knows I'm finished for a bit, they all want me, or at least my stuff.

Work: "Since you're finished with school for a few weeks, I was wondering if you might be able to do some work-related travel stuff... we'll pay you double-time, and reimburse your expenses... it's just that we know we can trust you with this project, and the timing couldn't be better." So, you ever try to write blog entries while driving in your car? Impossible.

Husband: "Since you don't have homework on the weekends, I was thinking maybe now would be the time to start landscaping the backyard. Here - I bought you shovel, and a hoe, and some gardening gloves."

Kids: "Mommy - we have projects due... we have PowerPoint presentations and Incredible Edible Cell projects, and we need parent-participation... and we need you to paint our rooms and take us to the mall for summer clothes...and we have sinus infections and incredible inedible acne that needs attention...and we need your laptop."

Cat: "You miserable two-legger. I don't ask much from you. Feed me, water me, pet me on demand... dammit, get back to it."

Dog: "I pooped in the entryway."

I'm sorry I haven't visited in eons... but I'll be making the rounds over the next few days. It's rough when everybody wants you... or at least they want your stuff.