The Wisdom of Funky Bugs: 06/01/2005

Thursday, June 30, 2005

The Arrest (#1)

As I said, I had rather expensive tastes - I only stole the best this discount department store had to offer. Given that my non-purchases valued in excess of $50.00, I was officially in deep shit. I sat in that dingy office praying that the cops would beat my stepdad there. I planned on telling them that I was a pathological thief in need of psychiatric observation. If they didn't believe me, I planned on stealing something off the security officer's desk while they were standing there. My ultimate goal was to be carted off to a mental hospital before my stepdad could get his hands around my neck. Surely if I were involuntarily committed, my parents could not kill me. Maybe I'd even get a court-appointed guardian.

Sarge (my stepdad) arrived first. There was no place to hide. I believe it was at this point in which I went into a self-induced coma. No - first I saw him turn red and begin to shake. Okay - now I go into the coma because the next thing I remember was riding in the front seat of his car, watching his hands shake on the steering wheel, witnessing the crimson hue of his ears and neck, and wondering why he wasn't yelling at me. We pulled into the driveway and I'll never forget the tears welling up in his eyes as he said, "I gave you my name, and you ruined it." With that he got out of the car and left me sitting there.

I was arrested. We had to go before the juvenile court judge in private chambers. An agreement was struck; if my parents and I agreed to counseling at the youth center for six weeks, all charges would be dropped and my record would be wiped clean. This would mark the second of four times in my life that I saw my stepdad cry. He walked away and my mother said, "I've never seen him cry. You've destroyed him." Yes, you could say that counseling was definitely in order.

I don't remember much about it - the counseling. I remember sitting in a circle with kids who had set fire to cars or broken into homes. I remember thinking, "Well, this is great. For once I get to be the underachiever." I also remember my individual counseling. My counselor cracked his knuckles. I picked that up, and still to this day pop and bend my fingers when I'm stressed out. I do NOT remember the family counseling. I have buried it too deep. I don't think either of them ever forgave me, and I'm pretty sure Sarge carried his image of a stained name to his grave.

Next: The Other Arrest

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

By Request: Shoplifting

I'm not sure when the shoplifting bug got me, but I distinctly remember stealing stupid shit on several occassions during my early teen years. Sometimes I even pocketed stuff when I was with my mom. People assume a kid with her mom is being WATCHED, right? Bwah ha. They didn't know Gail.

We had a few days off school for some holiday or other, so a couple friends and I made plans to take the city bus to the mall for some shoplifting. Yes - I also remember that several of us were making points of bringing our booty to school and comparing our scores. I'd already become an expert at stealing Hello Kitty stuff from the mall, so why not the discount store across the street? I honestly can't remember the name of the retail outlet, but it was a Target of sorts (in fact, Target stands in its place to this day.)

Only one of my friends was "brave" (read, "stupid") enough to join me. We just went up and down the aisles, weaving back and forth through the cosmetics to grab and stash an item or two (the theory being if you're on the move, they won't catch on to you...ha!) When we were loaded up, we left the store.

It was kind of weird when this woman stopped me just outside the doors. I didn't think for a second that I'd been caught. I thought, "Maybe she's lost and needs directions. " I mean, she said, "Excuse me." When she asked me to step back inside the store I thought, "Am I being kidnapped?" All the time I had no idea I'd been busted. Then she showed me her store security badge. Dum dum DUM! I thought I'd reached the apex of humiliation when she guided us (with a hand FIRMLY on the shoulder) to the security office. I thought I'd reached the apex of fear when she called the police. Then she called Sarge. Oh god. I would much rather they arrest me, cart me off to jail, and then shoot me.

They made us dump the contents of our purses onto the desk. My friend the chicken had taken just under $20.00 worth of Bonnie Bell cosmetics. She was released to her mom and banned from the store. Me? Well, I have expensive tastes. I went for the high-end cosmetics and some lovely jewelry, totaling over $50.00.

Next: The Arrest (#1)

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

The Evil Co-Worker: Volume II

I have another blog where I talk about my resolve to get healthy. This is NOT that blog. Let's just say that my lunch break walks have become a very important part of my regime to get healthy.

Evil Co-Worker: "I'm walking with you girls today."
Me: "Um, what?"
Evil Co-Worker: "I'm walking! Give me a ponytale."
Me: "Sorry - I don't have an extra. Can you use a rubber band?"
Evil Co-Worker: "Well, then give me one of your bottled waters."
Me: "Sorry - I don't have an extra."
e-mails Walking Buddy in next cubicle "WTF?????????"
Walking Buddy: "I invited her. That's okay, right?"

Walking Buddy is very good friends with Evil Co-Worker. I should have seen it coming. I feign headache and stay put.

Heard as Evil Co-Worker and (former) Walking Buddy are leaving:

(former)Walking Buddy: "You're going to get hot in that sweater."
Evil Co-Worker: "What am I supposed to do? I'm not bringing a change of clothes like SHE (meaning me) does! That's weird."
Walking Buddy: "Okay, but it's 1.4 miles, outdoors."
Evil Co-Worker: "We'll see about that. I'm in charge now."

Monday, June 27, 2005

Meme Monday - Another One Bites the Dust

Remember Alex the Serial Conch Killer? I am Funky the Serial Meme Killer. There is probably a great (make that, "mediocre") story behind each "x" (meaning "done that.") If any of the "x" topics piques your curiosity, drop me a comment and let me know which ones you'd like more details on!

(x) snuck out of the house
(x) gotten lost in your city
(x) saw a shooting star
(x) been to any other countries besides the United States
( /) had a serious surgery - Does a C-section count?
(x) gone out in public in your pajamas
( x) kissed a stranger
( x) hugged a stranger
() been in a fist fight
(x) been arrested
( ) laughed and had milk/coke come out of your nose
(x) pushed all the buttons on an elevator
(x) swore at your parents
(x) been in love
(x) been close to love
(x) been to a casino
( ) been skydiving
( ) skinny-dipped
(x) skipped school
(x) seen a therapist
(x) done the splits
(x) played spin the bottle
(x) gotten stitches
( ) drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour
(x) bitten someone
(x) been to Niagara Falls
(x) gotten the chicken pox
(x) kissed a member of the opposite sex
( ) crashed into a friend's car
( ) been to Japan
(x) ridden in a taxi
(x) been dumped
(x) shoplifted
(x) been fired
(x) had a crush on someone of the same sex
(x) had feelings for someone who didn't have them back
( ) gone on a blind date
(x) lied to a friend
(x) had a crush on a teacher
( ) celebrated Mardi-Gras in New Orleans
(x) been to Europe
(x) slept with a co-worker
(x) been married
(x) gotten divorced
(x) had children
( ) seen someone die
( ) had a close friend die
( ) been to Africa
(x) Driven over 400 miles in one day
(x) Been to Canada
(x) Been to Mexico
(x) Been on a plane
(x) Seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show
( ) Thrown up in a bar
( ) Purposely set a part of myself on fire
(x) Eaten Sushi
( ) Been skiing/snowboarding
(x) Met someone in person from the internet
( ) lost a child
(x) gone to college
( ) graduated college
(x) fired a gun
( ) purposely hurt yourself
(x) taken painkillers

Friday, June 24, 2005

From the "Duh!" Files: Installment Two

The ever-classy Michele Agnew suggested I make this a regular feature. Works for me! Why Friday? It gives you the entire weekend to read the articles! So I bring you...

"Friday's Duh! Files"

Weekly "news" too obvious for words, yet warranting this one, simple response: Duh!

Married Men Earn More If Wives Do The Chores?

"...analysis suggests there could be two explanations for the results: A marriage might allow a husband and wife to focus their activities on tasks to which they are most suited(Excuse me? Women are MOST SUITED for CHORES?). Traditionally, this would result in the man concentrating on paid work enabling him to increase productivity and in consequence his wages[...]another explanation could be that marriage may increase the amount of time a man has to hone work-related skills which could trigger higher wages."

My turn! My turn! I've got TWO possible explanations: One - the husband is a fucking Bajillionaire so his wife can AFFORD to stay home all day watching the pool boy and the gardener get sweaty, or Two - the wife is so fucking miserable because her chauvanist pig husband won't let her have a career that she bitches at him the second he walks through the door, resulting in his intense desire to stay at work earning over-time.
Duh!

[Porter] Goss Claims He Has Idea Where Bin Laden Is

"The director of the CIA says he has an "excellent idea" where Osama bin Laden is hiding, but that the United States' respect for sovereign nations makes it more difficult to capture the al-Qaida chief."

Respect for soveriegn nations? Since when?!?! So we invade Iraq (a sovereign nation) to catch the guy who DIDN'T orchestrate 9/11, but we don't invade the sovereign nation that may be hiding the guy who DID orchestrate 9/11? But WAIT - before the tag, let's take a moment to relive this classic moment in our current administration's ruminitions:

"Tribal sovereignty means that; it's sovereign. I mean, you're a — you've been given sovereignty, and you're viewed as a sovereign entity. And therefore the relationship between the federal government and tribes is one between sovereign entities."

—President Bush, Washington, D.C., Aug. 6, 2004 Watch The Video Here
I get it - they just don't know what a sovereign nation IS. Okay - makes sense.
Duh!

UK Study Shocker: "18" Ratings Not Keeping Games From Kids

"The UK games industry recently released the results of a study on game ratings, and they've found (to no one's surprise) that an "18" rating not only fails to prevent kids from getting hold of games, but it makes them sell better."

They did a study? To see if kids would mind? Really? And they're shocked that they don't always do as they're told?
Duh.

Thursday, June 23, 2005

Beauty & the Bottle

I hereby bring you my virgin post for Half-Nekkid Thursday

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Do NOT Lodge Complaints!

OFFER SOLUTIONS

Okay - I love blogging. Seriously. I'm mostly addicted, though there are days when I'm so stressed that I cannot focus on your words. Those are my "drive-by" days. Then there are days when I comment, and YOU comment, and my e-mail just fills up with funny, witty, and poignant comments. For the most part, I can shoot you an e-mail to respond to your comments, but SOME OF YOU do not have an e-mail address attached to your profile. If you do not have an e-mail attached to your profile, I cannot respond. Then I become distressed. Then my hair begins to fall out in clumps on top of my keyboard. I like my hair. It's pretty.

Why? Why do you hide your e-mail? Are you nervous? Are you attempting to remain anonymous? Are you snitty?

So instead of lodging a formal complaint, I'm going to offer a nice solution. Here's the deal:

I have a bajillion Gmail invitations, and I'm willing to post the links or send them out to anyone who will attach said gmail to their profile so I may respond to their very amusing, intelligent comments.

Dealeo?

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

The Evil Co-Worker

So there's this chick that works in the office next to mine. I guess she's supposed to be my superior or something, but since she has no idea what I do or how I do it, I'm inclined to ignore her ignorant ass as often as possible. Unfortunately she still manages to piss me off with her catty behavior.

(1) She's a mooch. She is constantly trying to get some kind of food or beverage item for free. Keep in mind that this woman who earns in excess of $80k/yr (I also dabble in payroll) bums coffee of the secretary who makes $40k/yr, breakfast & snack items off the secretary who makes $17k/yr, and frequently orders HER superior to cough up quarters for the pop machine.
(2) She's a louse. Consider Friday afternoon when she approaches my desk and says, "Why are you still here? It's 10 til 4" to which I respond, "My hours are 8 - 4." She looks at me and says, "Oh, I must have forgotten to tell you. [Insert MY Boss' name here] told me to let you go at 3 today." I stare at her blankly for several seconds and then ask her if she's kidding. She swears to me that she is not, and then flatly apologizes and walks away.
(3) She's a bitch. No, not in a good way. In a very bad, bitchy way. I found a recipe that sounded oh-so-yummy and I really wanted to fix it for dinner last night. So when I ran to the grocery for my weekly lunch items, I picked up the necessary ingredients to fix a nice healthy dinner for may family. Since the mini-fridge in my office is full of shit my other co-workers bring in but never eat, I took my groceries over to the other office fridge. This evil woman must have sensed the presence of food because she was on me in under 3 seconds.

IT: What's that?
ME: Ingredients for tonight's dinner.
What's in there? Is it anything I can eat?
Nothing you could eat. It's ground chicken, feta cheese, black olives...
Gross! What are you doing with that?
I'm making feta-stuffed chicken on whole wheat pita.
That's disgusting.
I love cheese (trying to be positive) so I think it will be good.
If I had to eat that way, I'd stay fat.
Silence
I don't know why you're eating that way. If you'd just stop pigging out, you'd lose weight naturally.
Open jaw
Anyway, that sounds disgusting. Good luck with that diet.*snorts

Monday, June 20, 2005

Conversation with a HELL(th) Teacher

Some of you may remember an earlier post regarding the sex-ed curriculum at my kids' school. In brief, the health teacher is teaching abstinence-only, and furthermore, telling kids that condoms do NOT protect them from AIDS and other STDs because, "the holes in the condom let the virus through." That being said, I bring you...

Conversation with a HELL(th) Teacher

I'm here to speak with you regarding the curriculum content for your sex education course. I'm going to speak, you are going to listen.

My daughter is almost fourteen years old. She is fertile, and she is hormonal. One day, hopefully in the not-so-near future, she is going to have sex. She may or may not be married. She may or may not want to conceive a child. She deserves respect, and she deserves to be informed.

You are not my daughter's preacher, and you are not my daughter's mother. You are an educator for the state of Florida. You are an employee paid by MY tax dollars. You carry the awesome responsibility of supplimenting my child's rearing, and you have misused that responsibility and abused my trust.

I am requesting a copy of your lesson plans, per my rights as a parent, tax payer, and resident of the state of Florida. I am taking this curriculum and highlighting anything and everything that is untruthful, misinterpreted, and/or fed to you by James Dobson, Focus on the Family, or the Republican party. Any and all misinformation will be presented at the next school board meeting. Copies will be made available to the local and state news medias, UNLESS you make all necessary corrections and submit a new curriculum, based solely on information from accredited health professionals NOT working for or with a religious organization, before the start of the 2005 - 2006 school year. Further, on behalf of every student misfortunate enough to darken your doorstep, I will sue you for professional misconduct.

Before I let you respond, I want you to know this: I am tape recording this conversation, and anything you say that sounds even remotely like Bill Frist, will be immediately and vehemently met with this simple phrase: "Bullshit."

Are we clear? Good. Your turn.

As she walked me to the door, I looked her squarely in the eye and said just this:

Lady, you just messed with the wrong mom. You'd better go to your preacher and start praying for salvation, because you haven't even begun to feel the licks of hell's flames. Before I'm done with you, you'll be kneeling before the almighty Mom.

That was my dream last night. Think maybe my subconscious mind is trying to tell me something?

Friday, June 17, 2005

From the "Duh" Files - Installation 1

In order to cover up the Downing Street Memo bruhaha, our "liberal" media has kindly treated us to the following fluff, all "headline news" on Yahoo's homepage yesterday:

Friends May be the Key to Living Longer
"[Researchers] are not sure why friends seemed to help people live longer. They speculate that friends may influence people to engage in more healthy behavior, such as not smoking or not drinking too much."

So, live it up in Vegas at 70, or live 'till 80 with a gaggle of nagging friends...those are my choices?
Duh.

Poll: Most Say Stars Make Poor Role Models
"Movie stars don't set a good example," said Earl Ledbetter, a movie fan who lives in Ventura, Calif. "They just don't have the morals," he said. "They marry and divorce, sleep around a lot."

Um, Earl...statistically speaking, so do more than half of "us," as well as most of your senators, school teachers, and (gasp) evangelists. Besides, who really says to their kid, "My, my... would you just look at that [insert celebrity du jour here]? Now that's a solid citizen."
Duh.

Judge: Texas Girl to Stay in State Custody
"...doctors said the best course of treatment would be to follow the chemotherapy with radiation, and her parents refused. Edward Wernecke, Katie's father, said he feared the radiation would put Katie at a heightened risk for breast cancer, stunt her growth and cause learning problems."

Mr. Wernecke, you know what else causes stunted growth and learning problems? DEATH.
Duh.

Top Zarqawi aid captured in Iraq's Mosul: US
What? Again? Wow... exactly how many "top aides" does this guy have, and how come they stupidly manage to get caught at the precise moment Bush is getting some bad publicity?
Duh.

Lawmakers Push Resolution on Iraq Pullout
"After 1,700 deaths, over 12,000 wounded, and $200 billion spent, we believe it is time to have this debate and discussion on this resolution" Jones said.

It's TIME...it's TIME? How about it's "way the hell past time" Rep. Walter Jones?

"Two years ago, Jones helped lead an effort to ensure Capitol Hill cafeterias retooled their menus to advertise "freedom fries" instead of french fries to protest France's opposition to the war."

Yeah, I'm talking to you, Jackass Jones! While you were busy pushing Freedom Fries down our throats, those kids were just BEGINNING to die. NOW you decide "it's time to have a debate"??? Fuck you, you fucking fuck.
Duh.

Thursday, June 16, 2005

OH GOD...HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It was a perfectly quiet afternoon...peaceful in fact.

Peaceful until one of my coworkers started listening to radio evangelists. Loudly.

Radio evangelist is healing someone.

Really really calling the name of Jesus...

Proclaiming the blood of Christ...

Rebuking the devil...

No, make that casting OUT the devil...

Or is it a demon?

Oh, it's the demon of sexual addiction.

God, help me.

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

All About Meme

I swear, I'm going to have to start yet another blog for memes...

Tagged by the Fabulous Lu:
What 5 Things do you miss about your childhood?

But first the rules to this meme game:

Remove the blog at #1 from the following list and bump every one up one place; add your blog's name in the #5 spot; link to each of the other blogs for the desired cross pollination effect.

1. The Cerebral Outpost http://thecerebraloutpost.blogspot.com
2. JustaskJudy http://justaskjudy.blogspot.com
3. Loose Leaf http://looseleafnotes.com
4. Lu's News http://luann919.blogspot.com
5. The Wisdom of Funky Bugs http://www.funkybug.blogspot.com/

Next: select new friends to add to the pollen count. (No one is obligated to participate).

1. Robin A.K.A Binsk http://robinalexa.blogspot.com/
2. Bella http://bellasnow.blogspot.com/
3. Kim http://my10kidfamily.blogspot.com/
4. Scotty http://scottyboi311.blogspot.com/
5. Mamacita http://weeklyscheiss.blogspot.com/

now on to the game...

What 5 Things do you miss about your childhood?

1. I miss locking myself in my room after supper. No matter how stressful "family time" had been at the dinner table, I could always count on Peter Cetera to magically wisk me away to an auditorium full of adoring fans. We would take the stage and the spotlight would shine, and we would act out the entire score from Chicago 16. He taught me to sing harmony, and he was in love with me.

2. I miss going to my grandma's for two weeks every summer. Sarge would drop us off in Ohio and we wouldn't see him for two weeks. I could take walks in this small town - I could walk to the donut shop, the beach, the park, or anywhere. My grandpa saved up for months so he could take my sister and I for pizza at our favorite restaurant (the one that showed old Abbot & Costello films on a big screen.)

3. I miss the certainty of KNOWING beyond a shadow of a doubt that one day I would be discovered. One day I would be famous. The world was going to love me. I miss that certainty.

4. I miss my junk drawer. It contained everything precious to me. I had dozens of diaries, and I never threw them away... not one of them. When my mom would make me clean my room, I always started with my junk drawer. Sitting on the floor against my bed, I would go through every single item in that drawer and relive every single moment that brought me joy over my wee short life.

5. I miss knowing I was my mom's favorite.

The next tag was self-imposed, but I love Kim, so I obliged. This is audience participation. If you dare, answer these questions in my comment box.

1. Who are you?
2. Are we friends?
3. When and how did we meet?
4. Do you have a crush on me?
5. Would you kiss me?
6. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
7. Describe me in one word.
8. What was your first impression?
9. Do you still think that way about me now?
10. What reminds you of me?
11. If you could give me anything what would it be?
12. How well do you know me?
13. When's the last time you saw me?
14. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
15. Are you going to put this on your blog and see what I say about you?

And being the generous blogger than I am, I am NOT passing these memes along. The meme stops here.

I am Happy Today!

I'm counting my blessings, as Granny used to say:

(1) Reno 911 started back up again!
(2) My kids got in a HUGE fight last night, and this time MY EX had to deal with it!
(3) My LoveBug bought us tickets to Michael Buble'!
(4) I've lost some weight, y'all!
(5) My bloggy friends are signing up for my team over at The Skinniest Bitch
(6) The Freedom Fries guy is going to push for an immediate withdrawal of troops from Iraq!
(7) I'm totally NOT the only one who thinks Tom Cruise is officially psycho.
(8) I'm totally NOT the only girl that thinks Angelina Jolie is a sex-pot and that Brad just needs to hit that.
(9) I'm also not the only one that thinks Lindsay Lohan is teh skanky since going skeletal.
(10) Applebees loves me.

The only thing that would make me any happier this morning is if more of my bloggy friends would sign up for my team over at the aforementioned site, and if my LoveBug would buy me a fainting goat, and if the link to the fainting goats weren't some guy setting his farts on fire. Dammit! Thanks for the heads up, greekchick! I'll get right on that, as soon as I set my husband on fire for his practical joke (he knows I can't view links like that from work.)

Goddammit - do not click this link. It's supposed to be fainting goats. It is not.

Thank you Kim! Here's the link to the fainting goats. Oh GOD I want one of these.

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Remember...

If you want to sign up for a team* over at The Skinniest Bitch, please comment on any of the posts there, or shoot one of us an e-mail. We're having so much fun, getting so much encouragement, and making great progress...already!!!

*I'm assuming my loyal readers WILL want to be on Team Funky, right?

How Many Blogs Can a Woodchuck Chuck...???

I have exactly two days to study for a big test... two days. Period. (oh, I guess using the word "period" before and after an actual period is a bit redunant, huh?)

Would you like to know what I've been doing with my time up until panic set in?

First I constructed this , then I threw this together (for my kids while they're gone), then I redesigned this because I seem to be having a flareup of OCD. Aside from becoming obsessed with manipulating templates, I now have three blogs to keep after. Three!

I wonder what my grade is going to be on that test?

Iffin' ya'll don't see me for a few days over here at Funky, you might be able to catch me at The Skinniest Bitch.
Iffin' ya'll don't see me there... you'll see me on the flip side of Thursday's exam!

Monday, June 13, 2005

Not Guilty?

Are you KIDDING ME?????

Random Thoughts With Funky

(1)It's Monday morning, and I haven't had enough coffee.
(2)My co-workers should probably either shut the fuck up, or work somewhere else today.
(3)I miss my kids.
(4)Shared parenting sucks.
(5)I'm bloated and pudgy.
(6)I'd like to be naked on a beach in St. Martin.
(7)They're French, so they're used to fat naked people on the beach.

(1) - I woke up this morning and switched sides of the bed with my husband. Now, the alarm clock was my responsibility. Snooze. Snooze. Then I gave up. When I finally left for work, my handsome baby was sound asleep, therefor NO ONE was available to fix my coffee.
(2) I made an announcement this morning: I am in a shitty mood. You would think an intelligent person would translate that statement to mean, "Don't fuck with me." You would be wrong, or they quite possibly are not at all intelligent. They are blathering and trying to drag me into the middle of their office politics. They are still chit chatting. They are obviously committing suicide.
(3) I put my kids on a plane yesterday.
(4) My ex gets to keep them for the next six weeks.
(5) See "The Skinniest Bitch"
(6) & (7) No explanation needed. You know you all would trade your Monday morning as it is, for a Monday morning on a clothing-optional beach in the Caribbean. You also know you've seen way too many French-Canadians wearing Speedos.

Happy Funky will return tomorrow...maybe.

Saturday, June 11, 2005

A Little Bonus for You

As if ONE blog weren't enough for us, Scotty and I are embarking on a little six week challenge. If you're curious, please jut on over to "The Skinniest Bitch" and sign up for a team!

A Day at Sea

The day after Nassua is spent on the boat. I remember boarding Glory the day before and running straight for the bar. I also remember asking the kids to grace us with their presence for the dinner hour. I remember we shared a table with some charming people from Kentucky. Despite the fact that she was missing most of her teeth (I thought that was a false stereotype?) they were quite pleasant. She and her husband were joined on the cruise by their five-year old grandson. The couple informed us that they had spent the previous 8 months coaching their grandson in acceptable table manners in preparation for this cruise. He was actually quite marvelous, this child. He ordered steak as an appetizer, steak as an entree, and steak for dessert. Then he quite matter of factly announced, "I have to pee now" and got up from the table. His grandfather appeared mortified, but we assured them all that "peeing" is mild dinner conversation in this family.
The next morning I slipped into my swimsuit and announced it was pool time. My husband slipped into his work-out stuff and kissed my angelic forehead, announcing that he was headed to the gym. Why? Why would he torture himself while on vacation? The poor dear. I grabbed a book, towel, sunglasses, sunscreen, and my Sail n' Sign card and headed for the boobie deck. Now, let me explain that aside from the view, the boobie deck has two very distinct advantages: The breeze is perfecto, and there is almost ALWAYS a crew member ready to take your order - sometimes two strapping young men just waiting in the corner for a sign from the gods that a topless woman wants him to come closer. Two hours into my sun time, and LoveBug appears.

"It's not even noon, honey."
"And...?"
"What are you drinking?"
"Orange Juice."
"With what?"
"Ice"
"I don't think so. Let me taste."
*chugs glass* "Sorry, all gone. I swear it was juice. Here, smell the glass!"
"Vodka is oderless, honey."
Damn, foiled again.

I got some great sun that day, but my husband had a surprise in store. He had booked us for a treatment at the spa! Dizzy with excitement, I hugged him for all he was worth. We got to the spa and I filled out the obligatory paperwork. My spa gal escorted me back to the private room and had me strip down to the nude, instructing me to put on only the very sheer paper granny panties. "This is odd" I thought, but obliged. She returned and proceeded to MEASURE ME then slathered me with some oil. I hopped up on the table at her request, and she wrapped me in gauze and slathered green gook all over my midsection and thighs. She hooked electrodes to my ass and gut, then left the room. For the next 45 minutes I was shocked and buzzed. She returned and went into hard sell mode.

"Have you ever thought of liposuction"
Oh god...
"Because it's not safe, and can leave you lumpy. However if you have two more of these treatments, and buy $300 worth of our exclusive detoxification pills, you'll get the same results."
Oh god...
She measured me at the end of the treatment and assured me that I had lost 6 inches of fat. My shorts say different. I left the torture chamber and met my husband in the lobby of the spa. Next to him, a sack of pills.
"I thought we could share them"
"It's okay - I've had enough voodoo to last a lifetime."

We skipped the formal dinner, as my husband neglected to pack a jacket, and the various and assorted children were none too happy to have the night off from familial obligations. Occassionally we spotted the illusive children, but they're pretty quick and were able to take cover before we could converse with them. We lost some more money in the casino, we had a few cigars and brandy at the jazz bar, and then turned in for a goonight's rest.
Tomorrow - St. Thomas

Friday, June 10, 2005

Guest Posting Today!

For my regular readers, this will be a re-run, but head on over to Searchin' For a Rainbow and read I've Got a Lover-ly Bunch of Coconuts!

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

Swallowing Conch

"Does everyone remember me name?"
"ALEX!!!"
"Right, Mon. And does everyone know what dis is?"
"A CONCH!"
"Yeah mon, but do ya know da conch's name?"

The air is rich with the silence of the stupid.

"De conch be nem'd Andy, mon. Now Andy 'ere has t'ree natural preditors. Da first natural preditor be dah sea turtle, who break da shell and suck out da conch. Also, da crab, who trick da conch by flippin' ees shell and den waitin' for da conch to come out an' see what up. Den da crab hold Andy wit one claw and snap ees body in half wit da other claw. De t'ird natural preditor of Andy ees... anyone?"

Various stupid tourist interjections, all of which are wrong.

"No Man, it be Alex. I be a serial conch killer."

With that, Alex proceeds to pull the conch from his shell and slice off his weener. No, really. The conch has a long black johnson, and Alex cuts it off and waves it around for us to see.

"First we cut off da johnson."
"Because after that, he doesn't really care if he lives or dies."

Everyone turns to look at my husband, who has just blurted out one of his famous inappropriate comments.

"Hey Mon, dat be funny. You mind if I use dat de next time?"
"Sure."( My husband loves attention.)

Alex skins Andy and leaves his beady eyes attached and wandering on the counter. The girl behind me throws up.

"Do we have any newlyweds 'ere t'day?"

Two very stupid couples raise their hand.

"Ah, congratulations, mon. Come up 'ere so I can shake your hands!"

Stupid couples make their way to the front of the group while Alex lops off two more Andy parts. One is fleshy, like meat, the other long and gooey, like a gummy worm. He cuts them in four pieces. The stupid brides get the meaty stuff, the grooms get the worm.

"Ladies, on de count of t'ree, me want you to chew and swallow. Men on de count of t'ree, me want you to swallow. Eve'ybody help now, one, two.."
"T'REE!!!!!"

Stupid couples blindly swallow what could have been just about any part of a previously fully living animal.

"Now, what I give you men is de equivalent of four of d'ose lit'l blue pills. To da ladies, I give de' fifth blue pill. You have t'ree hours before it kicks in. Enjoy dee cruise, Mon."

The rest of us were treated to the rest of Andy, none of which contains a natural aphrodisiac (much to my disappointment, as I love all the hot monkey sex I can get.) Disappointingly, conch tastes like chicken. But don't tell the poor bleeding heart, vomiting chick behind me. She's still crying because Andy is in my tummy, but his eyes are on the counter, looking at her.

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

Snorkling in Nassau

I woke up Sunday morning and rushed to the upper deck to take a glimpse at Nassau. I expected turquoise water and lots of dreadlocks. Instead, I found myself deck against deck with a military vessel the size of which swamped our little 13 deck ship. Dissappointment dissipated when my eyes focused off the gray warship and onto the handsome little devils in sailor suits. "Holy God in Heaven" I proclaimed. Nassau is everything I'd hoped for! I immediately felt the need to bend over and tie my shoelaces. I was wearing sandals, but I stayed down long enough for my cleavage to spill out and draw in applause from Captain Munch-me and his crew of faithful SlapMyAss-Sailors.
I grabbed a Carnival drink off the strolling tray and stepped off the ship.

From the cement, I cannot see the sailors. Nor can they see me. But glory off the Glory awaits, because I can light my cigarette and drink my adult beverage in peace whilst the hubby inspects the various shore excursion lines.

Mom, are we there yet?
Are we in Nassau? Yes.
No, are we snorkling?
Right now? Snorkling? In the cement? No dear, I don't think so.
Mom!!!!
No, we're not there yet. We have to find our line. Then we have to take a boat to Pearl Island. Then we're there.
We just got off a boat. Why do we have to take another boat?
Because...because...look over there! A Bahamian!
No it's not.
Okay, it's your dad. Go ask him if we're there yet.

Thirty minutes or so later, we arrive at Pearl Island. We are escorted from the boat and treated to something with alcohol. I really don't know what it was, but I'll ask CadyBug, since at the tender age of fourteen, she managed to use her boobs to deceive the bartender into giving her one without asking her age or requesting ID. Now, what is a parent to do? Well, once you discover this hidden ability, you use it to milk more free drinks for yourself, of course. Oh right, and lecture something about underage drinking...blah blah blah...whatever. Like that was her first.

Oh, yeah...we snorkled. Pretty fish, pretty water, stupid tourist kicking saltwater down my snorkling tube forcing me to gasp, struggle, and disappear. Props to that person - I got helped to shore by a hot Bahamian man! Go me, Go me...
Before I nearly died, I found a conch shell. I was thrilled. I popped up out of the water and used my bouyant cleavage to garner the attention of the nearest straight male*, who gladly dove twelve feet under the water to retrieve it for me. Here it is:

We had lunch. Something with bbq sauce. And alcohol.

*I am not usually surrounded by straight males. In fact, history has proven that in my presence you could fling a dead cat into a crowd of thousands and still not hit a straight male.*

Tomorrow: Swallowing Conch

Monday, June 06, 2005

It's My Cruise and I'll Brag if I Want To

So here's a brief recap of day one:

Embarkation:

Hold my bag!
No, hold your own bag!
Come on'! I need help! Hold my bag!
No, stupidhead, hold your own bag!
Mom, he won't hold my bag!
Hold your sister's extra bag.
Hold my bag!
No.

Aboard Ship:
Why do I have to share a room with the girls?
Do you want to share a room with me?
No.
Then you share a room with the girls.
This is stupid. I'm bored.

Sailing Away:
Bartender? Where's the fucking bartender?

Eight Drinks Later(four doubles):
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

10pm:
What do you want to do?
I don't care. Where are the kids?
I don't know.
Perfect.

10:01pm - 11:30pm
Rum
Cigar
Rum
Cigar
Ahhhhh
Casino
Quarters
Shit
Shit
Shit
Yippee!!!
Shit.
Shit.
SHIT!!!
Fuck.

11:30pm - Late night buffet
How's your night, kids?
Fine. Can we go now?
Where's your brother?
I don't know. Can we go now?
We sail into Nassau tomorrow. You guys need to turn in early.
Yeah. Okay. Can we go now?
Here's your pizza, honey. Where did the kids go?
I don't know.
Perfect.

Tomorrow, snorking in Nassau.

Sunday, June 05, 2005

Today we talk about the Ship

Below are some shots of the Glory. Sorry all, but there are absolutely no photographs allowed on the Boobie Deck... *collective "aw" inserted here*

This is a huge, gorgeous boat of which my camera (okay, insert "photographic skills") did not do justice. I would love to show you pictures of the casino, but like the boobie deck, there are no cameras allowed. I figure, with all we lost in the casino, they would have given me a mercy shot, but NO.

Basically my days on the boat went something like this: I woke up, drank coffee until I got to the sunning deck, drank Bloody Marys until they stop serving them, then switched to something with Rum until lunch. Then we went to one of the many buffets and ate. We either went back to the sunning deck, or our stateroom, where I either slept or romped until it was time to turn over (yes, that pretty much applies to both activities), then ordered something else with Rum. Then I slept until dinner. We went to the dining room and had a fabulous meal with something with Rum. There was one waiter that was tre' hot...but alas, not our waiter. The wait staff would entertain us nightly with a little song and dance, and every time this one waiter put his little pirate hat and sunglasses on, I went moist. So now, all moist and full we changed for our evening activities. This would involve cigars in our favorite lounge with our favorite Polish waitress (I cannot believe I didn't take pictures of that lounge), followed by either (a) losing money in the casino, (b) singing Karaoke, or (c) joining in on the sing-a-long goodness in the piano bar. Oh yes, did I mention all activities involved something with Rum? Sorry for that oversight.

Ship Highlights:
My hubby won something like $100.00 the last night... but this only slightly covered my ginormous loss that night, and didn't come close to covering the quarters eaten by the slot machines on previous nights.
My hubby hit the Karaoke lounge (Bar Blue in the pics below) and did a fabulous rendition of "My Boyfriend's Back" during the early seating...which meant many a gray-hair and adolescent were offended...but the majority of the club cracked the hell up, and he was famous for about a day afterward.
Something with Rum...something to do with Rum... ah...

Tomorrow you get a narrative of our trip to Nassau...again, I didn't take any pictures, but I was snorkling, so... ya know... (Insert "rum" here.)